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REAL JOKES!! for Westoz & the rest, here on Gilligan's Island


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AuthorMessage
jj avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 11:32
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverSupermanSunimmortal
Top Joke in The World
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Top Joke in The USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top Joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top Joke in The UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
.To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
.To stamp out burning ducks

Top Joke in Wales & a YoGi Personal Favorite lol
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


SOURCE: http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/worldsbestjokes.htm
There's a few more on that link but like most of these I posted here: they are quite lame.

Add Some Good Ones...someone
Brazil_Nuts avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 11:42
Author: Blocked
An Indian man walks into a cyber cafe and says My wife says I have a very large penis!
No avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:25
Author: Blocked
how manny lazy retard do it take to find /search for a movie ?

answer none ppl do it for them pmsl
dazpicable avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 15:45
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverSunTurtle
When the dumbest in Sweden moved to Norway the IQ level became higher on both sides of the border.Not my joke but made me laugh :-)
razor1shrp avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 15:51
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverSupermanSun
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.


What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
They're both used as a meat substitute.

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton!

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

What do a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks they are both in deep shit!

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
No avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 16:17
Author: Blocked
Quote:
Author: dazpicable
When the dumbest in Sweden moved to Norway the IQ level became higher on both sides of the border.Not my joke but made me laugh
means taker move to norway :D
bodthepimp avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 19:29
Author: ET junkieET lover
MY SCOUSE MATE HAS JUST GOT HIS KIDS A GARDEN TRAMPOLINE AND A COUPLE OF BIKES FOR CHRISTMAS FROM THE INTERNET.
I ASKED HIM WHICH WEBSITE HE SAW THEM ON .
HE REPLIED " GOOGLE EARTH "
jj avatar
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 22:37
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverSupermanSunimmortal
There were three blonde women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.

The doctor asked the first blonde, "In what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"Then you will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second blonde was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was her reply.
"Then you will have a baby girl!" said the doctor.

When she heard this, the third blonde burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the doctor.
"OMG! I'm going to have puppies!"
Westoz avatar
Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 01:54
Author: Turtle
Thanks for that LOL.
4GET avatar
Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 23:45
Author: ET junkiemen
johnny gets a job a construction site! the foreman ask's johnny do you understand sign language! yes says johnny of course ' ok the foreman says you go to the other building and i will stay here and communicate via sign language!tea time came and the foreman starts signing johnny firstly by point at his own eye and then his knee and toward johnny !johnny replies like pulling of a rope towards his groin area fast back and forth! the foreman got very angry any went over to johnny !whats this about johnny ' johnny replies i told you i was coming

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