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AuthorMessage
hellraiser123 avatar
Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 12:50
Author:
Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"
Soup avatar
Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 17:54
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem? " asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.
Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle. "
Shooter96 avatar
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 01:36
Author: ET junkiemenTurtle
An elephant farted on the mouse, the mouse was happy and said: Nicest AC I ever had in my whole life.
hellraiser123 avatar
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 14:22
Author:
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 00:49
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, rescuers were searching the rubble of a hotel when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Feckin’ help me!!!" The rescuers shout "Where are you?" Paddy shouts "Oi'm in room 236
hellraiser123 avatar
Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 14:39
Author:
Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.
huhwhatfer avatar
Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 09:33
Author:
Two blonds walk into a bar, between the two of them one of them should have seen it.
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 19:49
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a polismans truncheon?
One's for cunning stunts and the others for............
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 23:18
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 23:24
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irish guy says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity". Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
mohammad_at avatar
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 09:47
Author: men

V5GvP1HmEw.png

A brand new store has just opened that sells Husbands. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates :

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE ! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads :
Floor 1: These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor.
The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks,"but i want more." So she continues upward.

The 3rd floor sign reads :

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor where the sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but goes to the 6th floor where the sign reads :

Floor 6 : You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as a proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

.
.
.
.
.
.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a "New Wives store" just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that listen to men.

The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floor have never been visited by men.
badababa avatar
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:10
Author:
Mom called me and said she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4:00 o'clock.

Wife: What !!! She came just 4 months back only, right? Why is she coming now again..? Tomorrow is Sunday. I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast...she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. How many days is she going to stay..????

Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming !!!!

Wife: Wow!!...Really!! Great mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na..You set the alarm for 3:00am and make sure u reach the station before the train arrives and be on the platform with collie. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast of upma and idli. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.

You can't beat that !!!!!
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 15:53
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
Necrophilia is dead boring!

I went to find my local Necrophilia dogging site, and was told that it was in the dead center of town!

I went to visit my mum the other day bit I forgot my shovel, so I just had to do with wanking over her gravestone!
19tommy59 avatar
Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 15:56
Author: ModeratorTrue Love
peaSoup wrote:
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, rescuers were searching the rubble of a hotel when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Feckin’ help me!!!" The rescuers shout "Where are you?" Paddy shouts "Oi'm in room 236
lmmfao
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 14:01
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."
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