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Dafty News Post it Here

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1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  [Next]
Page 1 of 6   [ 80 posts ]
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 16:33
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
NATO say they are concerned after elusive leader Kim Jong-un promised to unleash a volley of missiles towards all hairdressing outlets after his photo was used to promote a promotion in a British salon. Supreme leader Kim Jong-un issued a statement in which he said: “Salons, boutiques, hair clippers and barbers beware. My rockets are coming your way.”

North Korea’s plan was foiled by spy networks for the defense industry working under the code name Short, Back & Sides.

Spokesperson for the network told Dafty News: “The big man, Kim Jong-un, is really pissed off that a hairdresser in England had the audacity to use his photo for a 15% promotion off hair cuts.”

An aide close to the Supreme leader said via Skype: “Kim is raging. He wanted a share of the profits as the hairdresser has been using his image to promote his business.

He does not tolerate anyone using his image unless he gets 10% of Saturday’s takings and when he doesn’t; he has a strict policy of inflicting a range of punishments such as: firing rockets in the perpetrator’s direction, starvation and curfew and marching them personally into hard labour and death chambers.”

In closing, the aide continued…

“Our supreme leader has made an appointment for a buzz cut floppy side shed to make him look like comedian Michael McIntyre who fell asleep wearing a motorcycle helmet.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 17:53
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
The long-awaited arrival of tiny panda feet was given a boost yesterday after Zoo bosses offered Tian Tian and her live in partner Yang Guang a bottom floor flat in a housing estate in Lothian.

Spokesperson for the panda sanctuary said this morning: “We thought the panda couple would have hit it off but so far they are refusing to start a family until their demands are met.”

Dafty News understands the panda’s demands are as follows:

- Unconditional housing benefit

- No council tax

- Milk tokens

- Plasma TV

- Wi-fi for easy Gumtree access

- Funding for carpets and vinyl

The couple also have their own separate demands.

Spokesperson for the pandas said: “Yang Guang wants full weekend access to the baby panda and Tian Tian insists on two days every fortnight including (but not limited to) birthdays, bank holiday Mondays and Christmas.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 19:10
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Gadget lovers queued late last night for the launch of another new app that is as useless as its predecessors, and will do nothing to enhance anyone’s life except for the makers and sellers of the application. Gadget critic Healy Scobey told Dafty News: “We can’t even review this latest app because nobody knows its name or what the fuck it actually does,

All we know is it’s another download application that looks fancy and shiny but it doesn’t do anything.

It just sits on a page on our phones posing beside all the other shiny apps that are as equally as useless.”

Makers of the new app said last night: “We haven’t even got a name for this app yet as we felt it was more important to announce an overnight camp out outside a gadget shop.

Gadget lovers who queue up all night to get their hands on the latest gadgets are more interested in the attention they get rather than worry what the app is called or what it is supposed to do.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 21:17
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Facebook users have been deleting their accounts in droves after a surge in baby scan pics posted on walls, it has emerged. Facebook say the month of April is the busiest time of the year for the rise in users posting their baby scan photos.

Spokesperson for social network user activity logs said today: “Obviously the decrease in usage and the rapid rise in users deleting their accounts has been a result of having to put up with others posting very annoying and extremely unimportant photos of their baby scans.”

Ex-Facebook users Angie and Charlene, said via their Twitter account after deleting their Facebook accounts: “We were not prepared to put up with our friends and their friends, who we don’t even know, posting their embryos on their feeds anymore. It’s not on. Get a grip!” Andy from New Jersey said: “The next fucker to post a baby scan pic is going to feel the wrath when I post them a pic of my prostate scan. See how they like it.”

Mums-to-be were warned yesterday not to post their baby scans after a group calling themselves ‘The Anti-Baby Scanners’ said: “Stop posting that shit to Facebook. It is not even a baby yet. It looks like a windy weather pattern heading east.”

One irate mom-to-be from Orlando hit back when she said: “I have a scan next week and I hope you all can see the face of Hitler in amongst my cloudy swirl.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2014 20:29
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Tremors felt ten miles away from Oakham, Rutland in England, stunned residents and nearby towns but officials quashed any fears by declaring it was just a big fat guy in his late forties taking out his bin. Seismologists were called in to confirm the earthquake’s severity but were sent back home again after the fat man’s bin excursion to the end of his garden was rumbled by one of his neighbours.

One of the fat guy’s neighbours, who wished not to be named, told Dafty News: “He wheels his bin along his uneven slabbed paving and this is why it is so noisy and causes a rippling, vibration, roaring sensation.

The aftershock is when he puts his bin in its upright position then heads back down the path to his back door. This is what all the fuss is about. It’s not an earthquake – it’s just my big fat neighbour taking his bin out.”
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2014 23:36
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
peaSoup wrote:
The long-awaited arrival of tiny panda feet was given a boost yesterday after Zoo bosses offered Tian Tian and her live in partner Yang Guang a bottom floor flat in a housing estate in Lothian.

Spokesperson for the panda sanctuary said this morning: “We thought the panda couple would have hit it off but so far they are refusing to start a family until their demands are met.”

Dafty News understands the panda’s demands are as follows:

- Unconditional housing benefit

- No council tax

- Milk tokens

- Plasma TV

- Wi-fi for easy Gumtree access

- Funding for carpets and vinyl

The couple also have their own separate demands.

Spokesperson for the pandas said: “Yang Guang wants full weekend access to the baby panda and Tian Tian insists on two days every fortnight including (but not limited to) birthdays, bank holiday Mondays and Christmas.”

A few factually inaccurate details in this story!
If you want a flat in a housing estate in the lothians, you MUST meet the following criteria,

Speak no English
Speak Polish, Lithuanian or Romani
You must be unemployed and living off of benefits
Have at least 3 children under 5
Have an adversion to gardening
Be an avid collector of broken white goods(normally stored in the garden for all to see)
Have spent at least 6 months homelss or 12 months in Jail.
Own a brand new 4x4 SUV

Soup avatar
Posted: Mon May 05, 2014 15:36
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Britain to suffer road and travel chaos as road signs say they’ve had enough and decided to go on strike. The move comes after signs became despondent over the way British drivers use and abuse sings and warnings.

Spokesperson for the road signs union told Dafty News: “Our signs have had it with drivers so they are going to switch off, drop all their letters from their signs, and just let drivers fight amongst themselves.” One sign, who did not want to be named, said: “I am tired of drivers treating traffic lights with disrespect. They drive up to a set of lights then decide on a fucking colour they like – putting other drivers at risk.”

Road signs will gather in major cities today to vent their frustration and anger at drivers but reports say they will not be holding placards aloft in case some people take the wrong turning.
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon May 05, 2014 15:43
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
As parts of Britain bask in glorious sunshine today, Scotland is once again gripped by low clouds, thunderous grey

skies, a dip in temperature and an overcast of utterly miserable people. Weather pattern spokesperson said early

this morning: “Scotland want their independence so they better get used to handling things on their own.

If they don’t want to remain with the union then they won’t see the pound, our TV programmes or share our weather.

They can go and fuck themselves.”

Temperatures in the UK are set to be on a par, and even hotter, than European holiday hot spots, but Scots will

endure rain and a week of complete misery. Regular Dafty News reader from Scotland, Dougie McCarroll, said: “It’s

not fair. England gets everything at this time of year: good weather, a place at the World Cup, Wimbledon and a

park gathering of semi-naked women seductively sucking ice lollies.

What do we get? Pissing rain, the Commonwealth games, and Alex Salmond’s pathetic vote-for-me sympathy-looking

fat-rounded begging face that looks like a Cabbage Patch lovechild trying to fart silently on a crowded bus.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue May 06, 2014 15:25
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
“Do you take this Macbook to be your lawful wedded partner?”
“Yes I do, until crash do us part.” It is also a story you’d believe was a traditional Dafty News entry – and you are right, on both accounts.

It is a dafty story but it’s sadly true.

Now, we should all have the right to marry who we want but what we want might be a different story completely.

According to Sky News, ‘Chris Sevier files a 50-page court motion because he was denied the right to marry his MacBook “machine spouse” by Utah officials.’

The story is just hanging out there in the wind just waiting to get slaughtered. You can feel it, can’t you?

Well, we are not going to slaughter this guy or his plight. It is unfair and we respect his right to marry what he wants to marry.

But, we are Dafty News.

A real story like that cannot simply pass us by without us giving our worst shot at the worst possible puns anywhere.

If this gentleman does win his court battle and the right to marry his laptop; what will the wedding be like?

We reckon it would be the Advent of the year.

The first dance at the reception will most likely be a slow track from A Dell.

Oh, dear. That hurt. That has to be the worst common pun ever! We didn’t write it…honest! The wedding ring. Ah, the wedding ring. The easiest to pun to. The best man would hand over two broadbands. You get it? Okay…told you these puns were the worst ever!

Right, let’s get down to business and please feel free to add your pun.

I think this marriage is doomed to failure. I’d give it a year before the laptop leaves this guy in the middle of the night, taking with it the two mouse, packing its USBs and other personal components and heading back to live with the motherboard-in-law.

Poor guy.

He spent a fortune on that wedding. He took the time to make sure the venue would cater for a large capacity with lots of space. The guests were all neatly Compaq’d so they could be easily scanned and monitored and naturally – they came in bundles.

Oh, this is getting really silly now, isn’t it?

Okay…phew…let’s carry on with a couple more…

The reception afterwards was of a high performance which had a great meal that consisted of Apple only.

The staff at the reception were excellent. They were great little servers who helped with the Karaoke later on – where everyone enjoyed a great little Samsung.”

As for the honeymoon? You are not going to get us to mention Siemens…no way!
Soup avatar
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 11:03
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
A 39-year-old unemployed man who spent eight weeks in a coma has stunned doctors and religious groups by claims he

died and went to heaven. Experts have now labeled it as a NEAR LIFE EXPERIENCE.

Further to the un-named man’s extraordinary claims, he has baffled the church by saying heaven is overrated and he

was ‘bored out of his tits’.

He said during an exclusive interview with Dafty News: “I felt myself float above my hospital bed and seen all the

usual shit that everybody sees – like my family all crying around my body at the bedside with my two nephews

stealing my Ribena and grapes. I also saw my brother trying to comfort my wife in an inappropriate manner.

I then saw that big tunnel everyone goes on about and yeah, my grandparents were waiting at the end of it for me,

inviting me in.

Anyway, I went in and it was just a bunch of dead people looking a lot younger plucking on harp strings…it was

pathetic. It is supposed to be a happy and eternal place but everyone was a miserable fucker and I couldn’t wait to

get the fuck out of there.”

Filmmakers are said to be interested in turning the man’s NEAR LIFE EXPERIENCE into a movie but critics say they

have enough shit at the cinema as it is.
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 02:19
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal

A Scottish City Council were on the verge of having a joyous celebration with the grand opening of their newest and largest housing build in the last 50 years the dream became a nightmare, as over 84% of the “new build” houses became a target for thief’s who stripped out and stole all of the new fixtures, fittings, wiring and piping, costing the Council and estimated £872,596 and 42 pence. The set back prompted the heads of the Council planning department to have an emergency meeting looking at radical new ways to combat the wave of thefts and have come to the decision of how all new builds will be built with no doors or window, therefore stopping the thief’s gaining access to the building to steal the fittings.

The houses will have only one access point, a letterbox shaped slot approximately 16.5 inches by 3.75 inches. This will allow the necessities of life (16inch pizzas and litre bottles of vodka, neatly wrapped kilos of crack) to be delivered to the family inside. The method of construction is to build the ground floor and ceilings then move the family in, while the upstairs and roof are being added, all this will be done one house at a time with and expected output of 5 houses to be built per day.

The first houses on the new Muirhousehailes Parkway Drive are already underway with the first tenant already moved in. The council has pronounced this method of build a resounding success as not one house has suffered from a theft. There has been heated debate and opposition over this new way of building, but it has been defended vigorously by the council in a statement released by B. Arrat, “After much criticism we decided that the pros of this type of build outweighed the cons. The majority of the people living in council houses don’t work and are benefit scroungers who sleep all day, so in reality there is no need for them to go out anyway is their? The families moving into these houses are have lower council tax bills as they will use less amenities than others, 72 inch plasma TV’s will be fitted in all houses, the fastest and latest fibre optic internet with speed up to 1.1 terabits per second, connections straight to bookies, takeaways, supermarkets, chemists and even live streaming from the local pubs so the tenants can still feel like they are going out at the weekend, we will even cut their lawns for them, no windows or doors to let heat out thus using less electricity and saving the environment too” Well how can it get any better?”

But local health organisations are divided on this type of building, against the build is Dr Okter who says that the confinement to the house will lead to a lack of exercise which lead to a massive increase in obesity, at a time we are trying to lower obesity rates and get Scotland healthy. On the pro side of the build is DR Pepper who, say’s “Who really cares if they become obese? It’s not like they will be slim enough to get out? And if they can’t get out then they can’t get to the doctors or the hospital and therefore will save the NHS an estimated £12,348,729 and 81 pence a year in treatment costs. It’s a win win for all, more money for the NHS and less sweaty fat folk to look at

The local police communities officer say’s, “It’s a great day for us all these new homes mean a large amount of the robbing junkie scum will not be out on the streets and for once they will be paying to keep themselves locked up and not burdening the taxpayer, we will now have more time to decide what Krispy Kreme donuts to buy.”

And lastly a statement from the Mr Anderson, Miss Murry and their 5 children the first family to move in, “ya ken whit, its braw nae more dossin in the sally army, the weans got a room, an a got a grow room, hey hen shut it n get the weans tae sleep, it’s feels like robbing poundland fae smelly stuff an getting outta there n nae getting stooped, nae guan oot in the pishing rain tae get me methadone they chemical van brings it wit the papers in the morning, nae hassle fae the skool bout the weans being shits, they dinnea go now, the only thing better then this is the missus taking oot her falseres fae a gobble!”

Soup avatar
Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 02:24
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 03:41
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
The Chinese police have shut down an online dating site, when it was discovered that it was a scam, misleading the clients into believing they would be guaranteed sex. The owner, Mr Chin Chan Lee’s site “Make Pussy Love4u” guaranteed all members (who paid a 10.49 Renminbi joining fee) that he could arrange them free pussy, any type at any time. Once they had joined the site, they could access a data base which was filled with profiles of amazingly beautiful East Asian ladies from who the members could chat with and arrange to meet, purchase pictures and other items from them.

However the unsuspecting members did not realise they were all chatting with Mr Chin Chan Lee, and something always came up to ensure the dates never happened, and that the pictures were just downloaded from the internet. The shocking truth of the site came to light when a customer Mr Ying Tang Smith, who has a fetish for white women with bald pussies, paid an extra fee of 8.25 Renminbi to Mr Chin Chan Lee, for him to arrange a date with his preferred type of woman. This time surprisingly the meeting went ahead but it was not exactly the date Mr Ying Yang Smith was expecting!

Mr Chin Chan Lee with Mr Ying Tang Smiths unexpected date!
White Bald Pussy!
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed May 21, 2014 14:13
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
A middle-aged pot bellied rock freak is being sued for playing air guitar to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, received the writ by another man playing air postman – by pretending to take a letter from an invisible mail bag.

The unemployed rock fan showed our reporters the lawsuit writ which read: Dear (Name withheld),

We issue this writ as we have strong evidence you have infringed our clients’ copyright by playing air guitar to the song Stairway to Heaven.

We will be in touch with more details once we find out who actually owns the song.

Yours Sincerely,

(Name withheld)

The rock fan told our reporter he has hired his own legal defense.

The unemployed rocker showed our reporter his lawyer’s defense brief which read as follows:

Dear (Name withheld),

My client is innocent of all claims and charges brought against him.

The reason being is: my client made no sound or tone; not even a recognizable pitch. He was simply playing air guitar.

If you are not familiar with air guitaring it is basically a blowhard mimicking playing guitar.

This blowhard will no doubt have no knowledge of the structure of how an actual guitar works and will not even know how to play a chord or note on an actual guitar.

Your case against my client is neither plausible nor tangible.

It would be like trying to charge the invisible man with being seen in the vicinity of a crime scene.

Yours Sincerely,

(Name withheld)
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 01:06
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Drinking establishments in the UK are to be fitted with technical areas and a fourth official so that drunken

street brawls outside bars can be monitored properly by FIFA, it has emerged. Spokesperson for the new proposed

scheme told Dafty News: “Something needs to be done to protect managers and coaches when they go for a quiet drink

with their friends.”

FIFA were not available for comment but an inside source said: “Football managers and coaches simply cannot run the

risk of being verbally assaulted by gobby fuckwits who know nothing about the game or what it’s like to coach a

club. It is unclear if goal line technology will be installed inside pubs and bars to replace cctv cameras but our

inside leak said it is highly likely it will be used to see how far back a head goes when being punched in the

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