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Dafty News Post it Here


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Page 2 of 6   [ 80 posts ]
AuthorMessage
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 14:45
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
qg8Palz.jpg
Two rescued fishermen who spent days adrift were reunited with their families in front of a worldwide TV audience but now psychologists say the two men want to go back to being lost at sea. In a bizarre twist the men, who lived on tea and biscuits during their lost days at sea, say they miss the tranquility, the silence and the peace and quiet of the still waters.

One of the fishermen told Dafty News yesterday: “It was sheer heaven. It was just ourselves, our thoughts, and we drank lots of tea and scoffed biscuits. It was the perfect life with nobody bothering us.”

The fishermen were devastated when rescue fleets finally found the two men bobbling in a small boat enjoying their freedom.

One of the rescuers, who wished not to be named, said: “The two men are married and have responsibilities so you can see why the quiet sea was a welcoming place for them to be.

When we entered their scraggy little boat we made it clear they would have to go back to their wives. They were inconsolable. Grief councilors were quick on the scene to comfort the two men, however.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 15:57
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
4vdQ1zU.jpg
Residents of a sleepy English town were said to be delighted after lightning struck the town twice in one night, it

has emerged. The lightning, which struck a church tower and a pavement, was celebrated by locals.

One local, who cannot be named as she forgets it quite easily when asked, said last night: “It was great to have

life-threatening lightning in our town. It was the only visitor we’d had for years.”

The boring un-named town, which many say represents about 97% of towns in Great Britain, are already preparing for

other occasions booked in for the town like: Christmas lights being erected in September, Salvation Army blowing

some trumpets in their square, and a drunk resident having his photo in the local paper for half filling his car

with petrol and fucking off without paying for it.
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue May 27, 2014 14:43
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
QENwzEq.jpg
Families in Britain were left stunned this morning after their pet budgies began a hunger strike to highlight their demands for more modern names, it has emerged. Pet analyst Diane Cambridge told Dafty News: “Budgies have been complaining for years about having names like Billy and Joey but nobody seems to listen to them. Now they’ve had enough. They are refusing to eat their Trill and slices of old rotten half-eaten apples in protest.”

It has been known for a long time that budgies want to be brought into the new modern world with up-to-date names like Nathaniel, Bradley and Tyler. They are sick of the old names and want to be treated properly – starting with a good name.

One budgie who lives with his elderly owner told our budgie whisperer through an interpreter: “My owner thought I was deaf because I blanked her when she addressed me as Billy.

I was going to tell her to fuck off then I realized I am not a parrot. Her great grandsons all have new names like Josh, Chandler and Jayden.

What do we budgies get? Fucking, Billy and Joey. All the male budgies in my family are all called Billy and Joey. It’s fucking embarrassing.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2014 14:08
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
xUxRoff.jpg
Computer users were today warned they have a two week time limit to get ready for something that will never happen. The move comes after the FBI announced a new computer virus is set to sweep across networks that will turn on your webcam and infiltrate our bank accounts.

The virus, named Two Weeks to Get it Sorted, is regarded to be one of the worst threats to computers that will never really take place, but anti-virus software companies are set to rake in lots of cash due to the latest fears.

It is not yet known how the FBI know about the hacking in advance but inside knowledge sources say they are going with an old Chinese proverb that goes a little something like this…

“Those who know a secret or have knowledge in advance are usually those who made it up or created it in the first place.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 13:39
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
cOrS51j.jpg
Computer users in the United Kingdom have been warned to keep their keyboards and keypads clean after the country’s decline in spelling things properly crashed to a new low level record. Professor Alfred Bernstein from the university of proper spelling said this morning: “For the last decade we thought Brits were just pathetic at spelling but now after thorough research we’ve discovered another reason for their illiteracy.

We studied the behaviour pattern on why the spelling in Britain was at an all-time low and we found some of the letters on keyboards didn’t work properly.

After examination we found crumbs from toast jamming the letters. The bottom row of letters on the QUERTY systems seemed to be the most problematic.

Z, X, C, V, B, N and M have all caused the majority of concern.”

Dafty News reader Larry from Bishop Auckland said: “I have to hit my letters with a tiny computer hammer just to get the fucker to pop up upright in order for me to type something.”

Angie from Liverpool said: “You don’t want to see what’s underneath my letters on my laptop. I have enough crap under there to start an ant colony.”

Spelling and grammar experts say the country needs to get back to basic English teachings otherwise the population will be in grave danger of becoming even more dumb than what it already is.


Writing expert Dorothy Flimhead told Dafty News: “We should all invest in little computer vacuum cleaners with three speeds. That will be enough for a head start. Then maybe start to learn the sodden alphabet again.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 14:13
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
9K9hSg3.jpg
Bunches of grapes congregated outside hospitals yesterday in protest about their hospital rights, it has emerged.

It is understood they are no longer willing to be the focal point at hospital bedsides and are now refusing to be

responsible for sick people’s fate.

Leading grape protestor, who wished not to be named in case his reputation gets crushed, told Dafty News via a

grape interpreter: “We are sick of having to spend weeks rotten at bedside tables in hospitals to give sick people

the feeling like we are supposed to be fucking curing them.

Our lives are hard enough. Our job is to get crushed to fucking death so we can make a product that is responsible

for lots of people ending up in hospitals – we are not there to make them better. That is not what grapes do.”

Nurses in hospitals say grapes are dying at an alarming rate as families continue to bring them to hospital

bedsides.

Laura, an auxiliary nurse at a London hospital said this morning: “Nurses are overworked and underpaid but it is

not because we are putting in long shifts to treat people; we are spending overtime hours getting rid of old,

leaky, rotten grapes that nobody eats.”

Leading health expert from a top hospital said of the situation: “It always amazes me when a relative gets

hospitalized and who has never eaten a piece of fruit in their lives and all-of-a-sudden they think a bunch of

grapes are going to cure their ailments.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 15:00
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
QwLJcmn.jpg
Millions of Brits were left furious yesterday after a toy marketing plan leaked a Christmas countdown clock announcing there are only 191 days left until Christmas. Sources close to the plan say they had planned to unleash the countdown around late September but wanted to irritate those enjoying a nice quiet summer.

Spokesperson for the countdown clock said: “It keeps people on their toes that it’s not all about them, the year doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to the marketing and enslavement industry.”

Dafty News readers were incensed by the announcement.

Jen and Claire, two hairdressers from Liverpool said this morning: “What a bunch of twats. We haven’t even been on our annual summer binge-drinking two weeks in Tenerife yet and these idiots are telling us there is only 191 days left until Christmas.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 14:46
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
HeAdCnA wrote:
Why is my pic not showing up? I hosted it at photobucket. Did I enter the wrong bb code or what? Sorry, if I fucked up:P
This pic? lol
Hb1abz5.jpg
Soup avatar
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2014 14:39
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
M1DYMV1.jpg
Large retail stores were at the centre of a storm last night after it was revealed they are to re-paint all their parking spaces unevenly in the quest to help drivers with their parking skills. A leading retail outlet, not yet named, said this morning: “It is obvious that people simply cannot park properly.

For each four parking spaces we lose one customer because they can’t squeeze their cars into a parking box because the other drivers have parked squint and fucked it up for everybody else.

So, to help them park better we have decided to re-paint all our parking boxes squint so they can have a better chance of putting their cars inside the four white lines.”

The new parking spaces will be painted by a group of students from the Vertigo Sufferers’ Institute and will be accompanied by two supervisors who are visually impaired.
Soup avatar
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 17:24
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
oYBwedl.jpg
Treatment tables at this year’s World Cup in Brazil have never been busier after scores of overpriced and overrated

football players received treatment after referees were seen to spray a little bit of foam at the toe end of their

brightly-coloured boots. The foam, which is sprayed by the referee ten yards away from the free-kick taker and has

been successful in keeping players exactly at ten yards from the spot, has been a revelation but players have been

sidelined after refs accidentally spray their boots when marking a straight line with the spray foam.

One player who wished not to be named will be sidelined for up to six weeks after having foam touch the tip of his

toe on his yellow and pink Nike boots.

His physio told Dafty News: “He was standing in the wall as the opposition were about to take a free-kick when the

referee sprayed foam to mark the ten yard line. Unfortunately our star player got a wee spot of foam on his toe and

will be out for several weeks.”

The revolutionary foam spray has given birth to a new injury to players after sports medics named the injury Meta

Arsehole and hundreds of players are expected to come down with it as the World Cup reaches its group stages

climax.
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 12:07
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
2WeEuXB.jpg
Those who suffer from hay fever have come under a different kind of summer season attack after non sufferers hit out saying they are annoying as hell and listed them as the most irritable people during the holiday season. Non sufferers say they have grown tired of having to put up with constant sneezing and coughing noises and want an end to their horror.

Non sufferer Francis Brown from Newcastle said: “You can’t go anywhere this time of the year for fear of annoying tossers coughing and spluttering in my fucking ears.”

Francis was not the only one who feels irritated by hay fever sufferers.

Joey from Liverpool wants a ban on sufferers in restaurants and bars and says they are just attention-seeking twats who use their hay fever as an excuse to cover up their bad manners.

Meanwhile the Hay Fever Institute say they realize the need for sufferers to tone it down a bit in public.

June Smith from the institute told Dafty News: “Sufferers do go on a bit and it is time we knocked it down a few notches. We have to be respectful that not all of us like a good sneeze in our faces from a stranger.

We’ve sent out millions of letters to hay fever sufferers asking them to stay indoors at this time of year or immigrate to a remote island until October.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 17:47
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
DEPt9PU.jpg
Gangs of prisoners have chained themselves to rooftops in protest at sun cream conditions handed out by prison authorities. The severe conditions have seen prisons up and down the country confiscating sun lotions from prisoners as many prison chiefs say prisoners are getting it far too easy inside.

One prison chief, who wished not to be named, told Dafty News: “People on the outside think prisoners on the inside have a hard time but they have a cushy number in here.

Their demands and human rights are a joke. Now they want to protest on the roofs and are demanding the necessary sun creams to do so.”

Chainsaw McGuire, a convicted felon of multiple assaults and lacerations, said from one rooftop at an un-named prison, “If we are going to protest then we demand more and better sun cream so we can take our tops off in the mid-day sun.”

Another convict, who goes by the name of, Big Hands McCafferty, said: “It is not easy up on that roof without a good Factor 20 sun tanning lotion and after a hard day’s lying about protesting we really do require a quality after sun lotion. Some of the guys in here have very sensitive skin.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 13:28
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
9iIrIlu.jpg
Drug barons, cartels, and smugglers, have filed complaints to airports, ports and border patrol authorities declaring sniffer dogs are actually hampering their trade, it has emerged. Leading drug smugglers say they have endured a dip in trade after more sniffer dogs were drafted in to curb the illegal racket.

Drug lords say the smuggling trade has become increasingly more difficult due to the amount of ‘smart little four-legged bastards’ and have asked criminal investigators to cut their sniffer dog recruitment back so they can continue to make huge profits off the back of desperate addicts.

Well-known drug smuggler who wished not to be named, told Dafty News: “The thing that is killing us drug dealers off the most is those little cocker spaniels. They are a fucking nightmare.

We have equipment to go undetected from underwater and on land radar equipment but when those little bastards turn up and start sniffing about we are totally fucked.”
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 18:08
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
peaSoup wrote:
9iIrIlu.jpg
Drug barons, cartels, and smugglers, have filed complaints to airports, ports and border patrol authorities declaring sniffer dogs are actually hampering their trade, it has emerged. Leading drug smugglers say they have endured a dip in trade after more sniffer dogs were drafted in to curb the illegal racket.

Drug lords say the smuggling trade has become increasingly more difficult due to the amount of ‘smart little four-legged bastards’ and have asked criminal investigators to cut their sniffer dog recruitment back so they can continue to make huge profits off the back of desperate addicts.

Well-known drug smuggler who wished not to be named, told Dafty News: “The thing that is killing us drug dealers off the most is those little cocker spaniels. They are a fucking nightmare.

We have equipment to go undetected from underwater and on land radar equipment but when those little bastards turn up and start sniffing about we are totally fucked.”
Daft but true - Some airports have sniffer bee's! Yep you read that correct, the bee's are trained to react in a certain manor depending on the substance they are smelling. The bee's are kept in boxes and monitored by cameras as they react to certain smells they react in different ways such as smiling, dancing, all facing the same way and more.
Soup avatar
Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 21:41
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
tN47MlY.jpg
A 24-year-old woman, known only as Miss 3603500, has landed her dream job as a supermarket checkout girl after bosses were given leaked photos of her mugshot and photos of her lazing about in her prison cell. Supermarket chains were said to be fighting for her signature but last night the convicted felon chose one with sources claiming she will put pen to paper on a three-figure contract. She will earn £4.55 per hour.

Supermarket bosses say the woman was tipped off as she appeared to look disjointed in life, was a single mother-of-six young kids all under school age, had a personality issue and a drink problem, and has misplaced her National Insurance number.

Cliff Mearns, who runs the un-named supermarket told Dafty News: “She has all the credentials to work as a cashier, as you can see. She’s a bit overweight, rude, impatient and would offer you a fight outside if you dared question her counting abilities.”
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