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Dafty News Post it Here


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Page 4 of 6   [ 80 posts ]
AuthorMessage
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 20:18
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
kpDsncT.jpg
1929 Car Thief “May Have Been Inspired by Grant Theft Auto” ....... Unexpected but not unsurprising news released today as a trio of criminologists released their verdict on a car theft in March 1929. Michael Downs, who was 24 at the time, was arrested for the theft of a Ford Model T in April 1929, but never provided a reason for the heinous crime. Now government criminologists Ben Smith, Joshua Reid and Kelly Morgan have united to deliver an “unassailable verdict.”

“Given that all instances of crime are definitely related to exposure to video games, it is our opinion that Mr. Downs was in fact a time traveller who was influenced by Grant Theft Auto V, a game released in late 2013,” read their statement. “Regular, non-time travelling people in the 1920s just didn’t do this. It was a simpler time.

“We have analysed hundreds of different reasons for this,” said Smith, “and eventually whittled it down to two scenarios.

The time travelling being one, and the other being that he just wanted to steal the car. After extensive deliberation, however, we just could not imagine a scenario where someone would commit a crime without the influence of those bastarding games.”

It was also noted that Mr. Downs shared his first name with GTA V character Michael De Santa, a fact that the trio have refused to write off as merely a coincidence.

The report goes on to blame both World Wars on the Call Of Duty franchise, and have warned that any instances of Dragon attacks will more than likely be loosely related to time-travelling Skyrim fans.
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 02:33
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
peaSoup wrote:
Big_A_Little_A wrote:
Con_man.jpg

While all the worlds attention is on Glasgow for the 2014 Commonwealth Games, a lesser know but as important competion is also taking place in Glasgow at the same time.

The 2014 Glasgow Con Man Wealth Games
.
These games will see criminals attending from over 70 countries from the commonwealth and British territories. The Games will include over 50 events at 24 locations in Glasgow over 2 weeks.

Events include,

Womans 48KG Wrestling - Venue, Cell 18 Cornton Vale

The Bikesteal Triathlon - Starting from George Square, the contestents steal a bike, cycle 1.2 KM to the river Clyde a 19 M swim across the river and a 2.6 KM run to avoid the long arm of the law.

The Pickpocket Marathon - No set distance, the winner will be the person who, run's the furthest without getting arrested or collapsing of a heart attack

10m Air Pistol Womens Drive by Shooting Qualification - Venue Easterhouse

And the closing event,
The Leaking roof/Tarred Drivway Quote -The winner will be the person who get's the highest quote for work that does not need carried out
pmsl
Scotish gold medel winner Tim McParkhead from Govan relaxes after winning Scotlands latest Gold medal, and breaking the world record for the 110 Bootleged DVD Sales sprint. Tim managed to avoid the Police and Trading Standards, while at the same time selling his 110 dodgy DVD's in a recorcd time of 27min 18:74sec! Tim says,
Aw wel ya ken they daftys fae abroad wul buy onything tae dae wit shaggin or Scotland, so I jist videod they gators at the zoo shagging and got me wee nephew malkie tae edit it ans we selt it as nessie porn!

Well done Tim the nation is proud of you!

image.jpg
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 13:58
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
Dafty News World Exclusive

An exclusive investigation by Dafty News's leading Science journalist Harland David Sanders, has uncovered secret plans that all the world's chickens have been secretly communicating in a quest to over throw all others species of the world. The secret assult on the world is belived to be lead by a flock of Pradu Hang Dam Chiangmai living in Corbin, Kentucky, USA.

A sereis of secret pecks and clucks has been decoded as a form of morse code, with a message that at 04.21 on the October the 8th 2014, while the full moon is out all the worlds chickens will simultaneously start pecking at the ground causing massive earth tremors all around the world casuing faultlines and tectonic plates to move massivly during a series of ground changing earthquakes that will shift all the worlds continents forever.

How the World Will Look After October 8th
image.jpg

Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 16:13
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
j4q7IKA.jpg
Unknown Tribe Found and Now They Want to Sue Amazon for Stealing Their Name. Explorers have found a tribe in a Brazilian jungle after decades of research. The new discovery has excited the exploring team but the unknown tribe say they are incensed an online store has ripped off the name of their region.

One tribal leader, who cannot be named as he doesn’t have one, spoke through a translator which was merely a series of grunts and snorts, said: “Fucking typical. A multi-billion organization take the name of our area and don’t even credit us.

What’s more, the bastards pay little to no taxes and how they make money is a kick in the four front rows of teeth we have. They have the fucking audacity to have our trees knocked down and make books out of them. How fucking ironic is that?”

The chief’s side-kick added: “And they try to justify and make peace with their slaughtering of our trees by coming up with a fucking Kindle version of our plantations.”

Brazilian authorities say the unknown tribe plan to sue Amazon but not for indigenous or political reasons.

Our close leak in the Amazonian jungle said: “The chief of the tribe has had it in for Amazon for a while now after they refused to sell him European babe porn DVDs and they were two weeks late with a delivery of loom bands.”
Soup avatar
Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 16:14
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
Big_A_Little_A wrote:
Dafty News World Exclusive

An exclusive investigation by Dafty News's leading Science journalist Harland David Sanders, has uncovered secret plans that all the world's chickens have been secretly communicating in a quest to over throw all others species of the world. The secret assult on the world is belived to be lead by a flock of Pradu Hang Dam Chiangmai living in Corbin, Kentucky, USA.

A sereis of secret pecks and clucks has been decoded as a form of morse code, with a message that at 04.21 on the October the 8th 2014, while the full moon is out all the worlds chickens will simultaneously start pecking at the ground causing massive earth tremors all around the would casuing faultlines and tectonic plates to move massivly during a series of ground changing earthquakes that will shift all the worlds continents forever.

How the World Will Look After October 8th
image.jpg
LMFAO
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 08:25
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
peaSoup wrote:
j4q7IKA.jpg
The chief’s side-kick added: “And they try to justify and make peace with their slaughtering of our trees by coming up with a fucking Kindle version of our plantations.”
LMFAO! Classic!
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 19:11
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
Exclusive Dafty Breaking News!
image.jpg
Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he heard you can lose both legs and still win.
19tommy59 avatar
Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 19:15
Author: ModeratorTrue Love
Big_A_Little_A wrote:
Exclusive Dafty Breaking News!
image.jpg
Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he heard you can lose both legs and still win.
ooooh!!! soon to be a classic,did you file a patent on that one???
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2014 22:58
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
For those of you who keep abreast of the latest world news you might be aware that there are some murderous evil(misunderstood?) halfwit wankers rampaging across Syria and Iraq.

To find out more about this rampage Dafty News have sent their ace foreign weather correspondent Warren Peas out to Iraq, to meet up with some militant's to discuss the compleaxity of running a successful extremist terrorist organization in the 21st century.

With the burning question "Is ISIS IS or Is ISIS not IS?" And the pitfalls of rebranding gone wrong, case in point the small faction of IS rebranded as Peoples Islamic State Supporters, or the State of Holy Islamic Terrorists.

Warren was introduced to the former "Branding" manager of IS, Seema Chuff. Seema, explainded that the structure of this organization is based aroung a similar structure of any major multi national corporation and that IS has it's CEO's, Directors, HR and Branding(Corporate image) and security departments amongst others.

Seema's former role in this organisation was to give the Islamis State a name that would be easy to recognise and for the infedel's press to spell. Before IS was finally settled upon they had tried many previous names, such as ISIS, but this was dropped when it was found that them person suggesting this had a stammer and actually meant IS.

Other names considered were, the International Brigade of Islamic State(IBIS), but this was dropped after their headquarters were constaly invade by Germans with beach towels looking for the sun loungers and room service.

Islamic Battle Squad(IBS) was also dropped after members started to suffer from headaches, backache, and psychiatric symptoms such as depression and anxiety. Islamic State Autority(ISA) was again dismissed when it was found to be no intrest in this one.


AB_T avatar
Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 04:15
Author: men
wow thanks for the news corner pea soup
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 20:45
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
AB_T wrote:
wow thanks for the news corner pea soup
Just gonna but in here(tho I know Peasoup likes it in the butt!), but did you read the topic title?
Dafty News Post it Here
And have you read any of the previously posted "News" stories?
I'll give you a clue, they are dafty news stories posted by dafties!

PS, If you remember from your previous post/topic, I mentioned that if the story you are posting is not your own origianl work, can you please add a link to the original article.
AB_T avatar
Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 01:54
Author: men
my bad....
Big_A_Little_A avatar
Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 12:15
Author: Site FriendSupermanimmortal
AB_T wrote:
my bad....
No probs. If your going to post news stories the either post in the chit chat section of the forum or the Headlines Involving Technology section
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 13:45
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
WATflM3.jpg
Catnip Upgraded to Class ‘A’ Drug..... The aromatic oil and fragrant herb also blamed for the rise in cat crime,

it has emerged. A spokesperson from the Institute L.I.O.N (Laying In Out Non-sense) said the addiction has caused

widespread horror for cat owners.

One cat owner, a singleton in her 40s and keeps a very untidy house, told Dafty News: “I am at my wits’ end. My

kitties sleep all day and listen to metal grunge music every night and they have some very strange friends coming

over at all times in the night.”

A cat who goes by the name of Fluff said today: I was once a successful Meme Model but Catnip has ruined my life.

The flipping-out every half-an-hour all day was exhausting. One minute I was just a normal lazy cat, the next

minute I was leaping and jumping about like my crazy-arsed paws were on fire. Oh, the come down I was just a

grumpy cat.”

Another cat known only as Ginger Tom said: “What do you want us to do all day? Have our owners stuff us into glass

jars so they can take photos of us and post them to Facebook?”
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 13:48
Author: Trusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
vdK5QRQ.jpg
Google Drone to Drop off Drunks at Pubs..... Google launched their first drop-off delivery experiment yesterday with huge success. The drone, operated by Google and controlled by satellite, had previously experimented with parcel deliveries but bosses at the drone headquarters say to compete with Amazon’s package delivery drone system would be too much and instead opted for a more viable and realistic delivery option.

Google Drone bosses say they will concentrate more on dropping off loudmouthed drunks at their favourite pub instead.

Spokesperson for Google Drone said: “We are confident of dispatching fat bloated men over the age of fifty wearing football tops to their drinking destination; but we are still about thirty years off mastering the technology to be able to pick up hysterical females who douse themselves in gallons of perfume, have dangerous fire-inducing hair lacquer and have the tendency to burst into tears for no reason whatsoever.”

Dafty News understands Google Drone pan to deliver Chinese take-aways but warn of a delivery charge of £2.50 for orders under twenty-quid.
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