Everyday Bus Banter... WARNING! if easily offended read no further, Contains EXPLICIT wording.......
From First Bus Archives
We received a complaint, from Thomas Malone, from Glasgow:
I wish to complain about the driver on the number 3 earlier. My wife and I boarded at Union Street. The driver was the rudest man ever. When I made a fare enquiry, he said, "Dae I look like fucking Google?", not loudly, but not quite under his breath either. He treated every customer this way. When an old man boarded, he started driving right away, and the poor old guy fell. He just grunted, "Fuckin move yer arse next time!". Then a woman was leaving the bus with her toddler son. The wee man rang the bell twice, and the driver got out and roared, "I fucking heard you the first time ya cock eyed wee cunt!". I find this level of customer service unacceptable. I hope he is dealt with.
Hi Thomas. Your driver, John Stewart, has been sent home for the day. He has been suffering a hard time of late. Last week he found his wife shitting on a local drug dealer's belly. Just a day later, his dear old mum died. A couple of days later, we had to issue him with a verbal warning after he turned up drunk and urinated on a passenger's guide dog. And just yesterday, he found out his mum wasn't actually his mum. His real mum dumped him in a skip when she saw that he was ginger, and that his adoptive mother didn't like him either, which is why her real kids inherited the house, while he inherited a box in the loft, which contained a Sega Mega Drive and some old Oor Wullie books. Under these circumstances, we feel it would be extremely harsh to discipline him, and that you being late home from your shopping is not our problem. The welfare of our staff matters more. As such, we consider the matter closed, and we are sure our loyal customers join us in hoping poor John recovers from his ordeal.
The First Buses Team
We received a complaint, from Jack Allen, from East Kilbride:
"Actual fuckin nick ae yous ya mile oots !!! A mean whit actual even ???? Goat a text fae this durty earlier, fae Coatbridge, fuckin chokin fur it. So a fires oan ma best G-Stars and boosted oot tae git the 201. And the fuckin wan a wiz waitin oan didnae even show up so theres muggins here stuck at a bus stop lit a fuckin dick. So a texts the burd tae tell her ad be late and she heavy patched me. The bus eventually comes aboot half an hoor late then takes fuckin forever tae git there. By the time a goat there the wee cow was gittin the tadger fae another cunt !!! Fuckin ragin !!! If it wisnae fur ur shite fuckin buses a widda been in there lit a mongo eatin a choc ice. And noo am back hame havin ae pull the heed aff it. Fuckin wurstcunts man. Ragin isnae even the word !!!"
Hi Jack. First, let us apologise for the bus being late. The bus had a puncture. Unfortunate, but there's little we can do to prevent such things from happening. Now, allow us to give you some valuable life advice Jack, since you seem like a charming gentleman. The girl you planned on "courting" seems to have loose morals, judging by the fact she couldn't even wait for you, even though you had a valid reason for being late, before letting another guy "give her the tadger". Choose your potential partners more carefully. There are many nice girls out there, who might go weak at the knees at your level of charm. Find one of these nice girls, and court them instead. Or at least find a girl of loose morals a little closer to home. We hope we have resolved this to your satisfaction.
The First Buses Team
First Buses are appealing for any information which pertains to apprehending the individual responsible for leaving a hangover shite wrapped up like a burrito in a copy of the Metro newspaper on the back seat of the X17 service between Westhill Academy and Woodend Hospital, Aberdeen, at approximately at 10am this morning.
Our cleaning lady, Angela, had this to say of the incident;
"I saw the rolled up copy of the newspaper sitting on the back seat of the vehicle in question. This is Aberdeen, so I suspected it could have been something dodgy, such as a package of smack, or maybe even something interesting that we could use in this week's "Lost Property Lucky Dip," so I picked it up and was surprised at the sheer weight of the thing, it was wrapped pretty tightly with the bottom of the package being soggy and damp. I thought then that it was a half-eaten king kebab that someone had left due to the greasy feeling between my fingers. I unwrapped it to inspect and was confronted with the most horrifying chocolate log I'd ever laid eyes upon. It was as smooth as a pebble, without a single crack. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought Madonna would adopt it.
It was as thick as King Kong's finger, and the smell was like walking into a wall of shite. I don't know whether the culprit should consult a doctor or a plumber, but they've ruined by fuckin' day, I had to throw my lunch oot and I'm still biting out wee nuggets of shite from under my fingernails."
Should anyone have any information as to who is responsible for this despicable act, please private message the page with the perpetrator's address, in order for us to mail the arse cigar back to them via recorded delivery.
The First Buses Team.