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Refugee crisis, summed up by John Cleese


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AuthorMessage
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:45
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
eyezin avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:10
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET junkieET loverSupermanTurtle
PMSL, that just about sums everything from the past to the present day in a nut shell. That would get rid of allot off pointless school subjects.
snotlob avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:06
Author: Trusted UploaderSite FriendET junkieET loverSupermanSunTurtle
That's just about poked fun out of every nation. Now be careful not to upset the Bro's on here pea or the racist card might get waved about
TEZ avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:11
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderSupermanmenTurtle
lol,not even John Cleese touched India
dazpicable avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:52
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverSunTurtle
Quintessentially English lmfbo
dogsthrobber avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:59
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverKittymenSunTurtle
FPMSL.
ange1 avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 13:48
Author: ModeratorET lover
Loool
Soup avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 18:47
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
I'm working on a Threat's to Bro Central scenario. At the moment it's a tad pixelated so plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz ya! plz plz plzz plzz plz plz plz bear with me
Thalestris avatar
Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 19:16
Author: Turtle
Nice one Soup wGHkwn3.gif 2AtoAqI.gif and somehow so true as I was watching the change of political direction in Germany tonight ...
Soup avatar
Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 00:12
Author: ModeratorTrusted UploaderET loverSupermanSunTurtle
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
dogsthrobber avatar
Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 06:52
Author: Site FriendET junkieET loverKittymenSunTurtle
Funny as f**k soup and spot on with the truth.lol

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