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jokes lets have a laugh


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AuthorMessage
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:27
Author:
Jack and Jill .


Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her
to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
" I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a
single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill
and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big
and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear
the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to
forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these
on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't
possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will"
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:34
Author:
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me 6 months ago"
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:37
Author:
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:42
Author:
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ‘cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks. "

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came

out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Legend avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 15:25
Author: Trusted UploaderSite FriendET junkieSupermanTrue Love
great cannot stop laughing
carolina avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 22:24
Author: Blocked
TWO HOUR DELAY...see the bitch...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


Carolina
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 22:32
Author:
i got load more if you members want them
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 20:31
Author:
Two buddies, Graham and Barry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
Suddenly Barry throws up all over himself.
Oh, no," he cries. "Caroline will kill me!" graham says, "Don't worry, pal.
Just tuck a twenty pound note in your breast pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and
gave you twenty quid for the dry-cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Barry rolls into home and Caroline screams,
"You stink of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Barry says, "I can es'plain everythin! Ish not what you think. I only
had a cupla drinks. But thish other guy got sick on me...
he had one too many and he jush couldn't hold hizz drink. He said he was
verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the cleaning bill!"
Caroline looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid"
"Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot," says Barry.
"He sh*t in my pants, too."
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 20:48
Author:
A little boy comes home from school and asks his dad "Whats the difference between a vagina and a cunt?"So his dad shows him into the bedroom where the boys mother is having an afternoon nap,lifts her skirt, pulls her knickers to one side and points "Thats a vagina son"."Can I touch it?" says the boy. "No" says the dad,"You'll wake the cunt up"
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 20:50
Author:
Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered" she said, "take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 21:00
Author:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
pro2kon avatar
Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 21:23
Author:
oh man the train one was good bro real good LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
ghostman avatar
Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 04:08
Author: Trusted UploaderSite FriendSuperman
what a waste of server space.
reddogmatt avatar
Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 06:42
Author:
ghostman feel free to ask a sa to remove these jokes if you feel they are a waste of space other wise cheer up and smile its free to smile
carolina avatar
Posted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 22:04
Author: Blocked
reddogmatt wrote:
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


OMG!!!! lol lol lol lol

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