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POLITICAL JOKES


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qwersd avatar
Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 17:40
Author: Blocked
"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." —David Letterman

"Yesterday at a White House ceremony, the official portrait of President Clinton was unveiled. Apparently, Clinton's portrait is so realistic that Hillary immediately started yelling at it." —Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House they unveiled the official portrait of Bill Clinton. It's very classy. It's on black velvet." —Jay Leno

"The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous things you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history." —Jon Stewart

"In a recent interview, John Kerry was asked to describe his wife in three words. Not surprisingly, Kerry responded, 'My meal ticket.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman

"Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." —Craig Kilborn

"The first President Bush — the real one — celebrated his 80th birthday over the weekend, and in case you haven't heard, he went skydiving. He was strapped to the back of a secret service guy. Does it really count as a jump when you're essentially a fanny pack on some Navy SEAL? It's like calling a mouse shot into space an astronaut." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton's new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it's already in its third printing. The first two were stained." —David Letterman

"The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?" —David Letterman

"The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea. A separate line for rich people — I'm surprised the Republicans thought of that." —Jay Leno

"The Bush administration said Saudi Arabia needs to do more to help in the war on terror. Yeah, like fight on our side." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn

"Al Gore is back, at a recent speech, he called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. And Donald Rumsfeld, in response, he stripped Gore naked and ran him around on a leash." —David Letterman

"Two new polls show Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most popular Governor of California since 1991, when Governor Hasselhoff ran the state. When your competition is Pete Wilson and Gray Davis, is it really that big a deal to be most popular? It's like being the smartest Hilton sister." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding." —Craig Kilborn

"Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that Al Qaeda is determined to attack the United States sometime this summer. He said the terrorists may do it to try to influence our Presidential election. So Al Qaeda is basically like Ralph Nader, only with more followers." —Jay Leno

"Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." —Jay Leno

"Seven Iraqi men who had their hands cut off under Saddam Hussein were recently brought to the United States and fitted with high tech prosthetic hands. The bad news, the first thing they did with their new hands? Throw rocks at the U.S. Embassy." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore gave a blistering speech today condemning the Bush administration and calling for everyone in Bush's cabinet to resign from office immediately. Finally the owner of the karaoke bar said, 'Are you going to sing or what?'" —Jay Leno

"He also said that Iraq will have two vice presidents. See that's when you know that they don't expect the president to last that long — when they have a back up guy for the back up guy." —Jay Leno

"The president was surprisingly nonchalant about the problems facing Iraq — at one point even muttering, 'What do I care this is all going to be Kerry's problem anyway.'" —Craig Kilborn

"If Bush really wants to prove what a great job he's doing over there, he should just walk around Baghdad shouting, 'You're welcome everyone.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The White House announced the notorious Abu Ghraib prison will be torn down, demolished and done away with. But don't worry, we'll always have our memories, and of course the photographs." —Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno

"You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno

"A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush fell off of his bike, wound up with cuts and bruises on his chin, his nose and on his upper lip — or as the secret service call it, Condition Hillary." —Craig Kilborn

"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn

"Our president fell off of his bike and today declared war on gravity." —Craig Kilborn

"Senator Bill Frist's son, William Frist Jr., who is a student at Princeton, was arrested this week in New Jersey for drunk driving. A very serious charge. So let's see, he's got the same name as his father, who is a powerful Republican leader, went to an Ivy league school, got arrested for drunk driving. You know what that means? He could go on to become president of the United States." —Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, President Bush once worked at Sears in the sporting goods department. I believe he worked there for one four year term." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

More Late Night Political Humor

"In honor of President Reagan, Senator John Kerry has suspended his campaign for five days. Ralph Nader has also suspended his campaign. Not because of Reagan, he just doesn't have any supporters." —Jay Leno

"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." —Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death

"The head of the CIA, George Tenet, resigned last week. He didn't want to resign, but when you don't have any credible intelligence, you don't really need a director." —Jay Leno

"Prosecutors are having a difficult time building a case against Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you something, the guy is smart. See, when he tortured people, he didn't take snapshots." —David Letterman

"President Bush met with the Pope in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman

"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." —Jay Leno
"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have EarthLink.'" —Jay Leno

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."' —Jon Stewart

"President George Bush also said Sunday that he wants to lead the world to more peace. More peace — can we take any more of this peace? I mean, it worked so well in the Middle East, let's spread the peace around a little bit." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said that America needs to be able to trust their president and Hillary Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'" —Jay Leno

"Former president Bill Clinton won a Grammy in the spoken word category. If you had told me a year ago that Bill Clinton would be a Grammy winner and that Janet Jackson would be the subject of a government sex investigation ..." —Jay Leno

"How many of you saw President Bush with Tim Russert on 'Meet the Press' this Sunday? It was fascinating, he was on for a full hour and during his interview on 'Meet the Press,' President Bush said that Iraq could have 'nucular weapons.' 'Nucular weapons.' Or, even worse, nuclear weapons." —David Letterman

"Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop-out." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked by Tim Russert if his commission investigating Iraq was bipartisan. President Bush said, 'A person's sexuality should pay no role in this.'" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards keeps saying there are two Americas. You know, President Bush used to think there were two Americas, but then he stopped drinking." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding, apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney — as he went through the White House metal detector this morning, security made him empty his pockets and out fell Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia." —Jay Leno

"Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did." —Dennis Miller

"Richard Gephardt officially endorsed John Kerry on Thursday. Kerry quietly thanked Gephardt and than began feverously working to keep the endorsement from going public. Vowing to give Kerry's campaign all the assets remaining from his organization, Gephardt presented Kerry with three folding chairs and half a pack of fax paper." —Dennis Miller

"In light of the Ricin scare both the House and the Senate are considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents, so if you want to contact your elected representatives, just wire the money directly into their accounts." —Dennis Miller

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher

"The White House is enraged by these suggestions that President Bush was AWOL during Vietnam. However, under an obscure prevision of the Patriot Act actual Vietnam combat veterans will be reclassified as show-offs." —Bill Maher

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

"Howard Dean is staking it all now on Wisconsin. He says if he loses there he is out and of course he will lose there. So he is already thinking of resuming his life as a doctor in Vermont, which may not be easy either because if you think people don't want a crazy guy in the White House, you should hear about how they feel about a crazy guy sticking his finger up your ass." —Bill Maher

"It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin." —Tina Fey

"Howard Dean announced last week that his staff is leaner and meaner. Leaner because he's letting some of them go and meaner because he's not paying them anymore." —Jay Leno
"Dean announced that he's pulling his TV ads off this week and he's asked his staff to skip paychecks for the next couple of weeks because they're out of money. See this way he can keep the campaign going to explain to the American people how he's the best guy to balance the budget." —Jay Leno

"The campaign that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean. It was in the paper last week he blew 40 million so far with very little to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager. Apparently the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan that has failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill Maher

"Joe Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke." —Bill Maher

"I feel great, I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do I just keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Dennis Kucinich is doing badly, but last night his campaign was featured on the CBS show 'Without a Trace.'" —Jay Leno

"It's starting to get nasty. Last night during the debates John Edwards said the president must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. I don't know, but shouldn't the qualifications be a little tougher than that. ... Today President Bush responded and said, 'Chewing gum and walking is not hard. Chewing a pretzel, that's tricky.'" —Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show today blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Afterward the president took her into his office and said, 'You weren't talking about me were you?'" —Bill Maher, on the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq

"President Bush is getting a little desperate to justify the war. He's looking for a country music star to write a song called, 'Sometimes America Just Likes to Kick Some Ass.'" —Jay Leno

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