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HOWARD STERN SHOW 12-14-2007 MasterTape Theatre 7-23-96 64K MP3 torrent

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HOWARD STERN SHOW 12-14-2007 MasterTape Theatre Mammary Lane 7-23-96 64K MP3

Get all your Howard Stern Show Downloads here first


* Mastertape Theatre - July 23, 1996. 12/14/07. 6:00am
* New Crackhead Bob Bit. 07/23/1996. 6:00am
* Ralph Caught Making Out With A Dude? 07/23/1996. 6:12am
* Howard Takes Some Phone Calls. 07/23/1996. 6:20am
* Phone Calls And Fight Discussions. 07/23/1996. 6:35am
* The Making Of The Crackhead Bob Bit. 07/23/1996. 6:55am
* Ben Stern Calls In As The Head Of Westinghouse. 07/23/1996. 7:25am
* More Crackhead Bob Tape. 07/23/1996. 7:35am
* Morton Downey Jr. Clips. 07/23/1996. 7:45am
* Howard Reads Jeff Jarvis Column. 07/23/1996. 8:05am
* Howard Back In Chicago And Loving It. 07/23/1996. 8:15am
* Snapple Update. 07/23/1996. 8:20am
* Various Phone Calls And Discussions. 07/23/1996. 8:30am
* Crackhead Bob Bit Replay. 07/23/1996. 9:00am
* Robin's News And Crackhead Bob Calls In. 07/23/1996. 9:05am
* Bonus Crackhead Bob Segment Dame Dat Dune
From July 24, 1996. 07/24/1996. 9:40am

Friday, December 14, 2007

Mastertape Theatre - July 23, 1996. 12/14/07. 6:00am

Today's Howard Stern Mastertape Theatre was a replay of the July 23, 1996 Howard Stern Show.

New Crackhead Bob Bit. 07/23/1996. 6:00am

Show opening bits and songs included: Larry King and Morton Downey Jr. interview clip, Cyndi Lauper performing ''True Colors'' live in Howard's studio, a TV interview intro for Howard.

Howard started off the show talking to Robin and singing along to a song that Fred was playing. He was trying to do a rock star move but Robin told him he had it all wrong. She told him that she was watching Slash the other day in a video and he was doing it the right way.

Howard said he had some funny stuff to play this morning. He said they had a new commercial that they'd like to hear. He played the commercial and it was a commercial for Crackhead Bob as the new front man for Van Halen. They had Bob singing Van Halen songs in a way that they were almost unintelligible.

Howard and Robin were laughing their asses off at the bit. They talked about how funny Crackhead Bob's speech is and how he starts off almost every word with the letter D. Howard said he saw Crackhead Bob down there yesterday and he looked like Curly from the Three Stooges with his head shaved.

Robin talked about how David Lee Roth isn't in the band now and Sammy Hagar is out. Howard said they can't get either one of them on the show. Gary said that he has nothing to say about the split and neither of them want to come on the show.

Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should play that bit all day long. He said it was great. Howard asked Fred if they had any outtakes from that recording session. Fred said that he has a few things that he'll have Scott run off later. He and Jackie talked about what they had to go through to get him to sing those songs.

Jackie said that Bob can't even read so it was tough to get him to say the lines. He can't read so they had to walk him through the whole thing. Fred said that Bob really wanted to try and get it right but it was tough for him.

Ralph Caught Making Out With A Dude? 07/23/1996. 6:10am

Howard took a call from a guy who had a story that he told about Ralph making out with some guy. Ralph came in and said that was bull and he didn't do anything like that. He was laughing though and Howard said that Ralph loves when guys accuse him of this stuff. The caller said that they were out on the street making out so it wasn't like he was even trying to hide it.

Howard asked Ralph if this was true. He laughed and said that of course it didn't. Then he asked the guy on the phone where it happened. The guy told Ralph who found him and where it was that they caught him. Howard asked where Ralph's hands were when he was making out with the guy. The caller said that his hands were in his own pants, not in the other guy's pants.

Gary said that he had a woman leave him one night when he went to pleasure himself while they were messing around. Howard said that there are some girls who won't even move their own hand so you have to take their hand and put it down there and move it yourself. He said that you have to tell them to pretend that it was their idea to put their hand down there and do that stuff.

The caller told Howard that this was true and that's all he knows. Howard let him go after that. Ralph said that maybe the guy just saw him with an ugly girl or something.

Howard said that if Ralph was really going to do something gay, he'd do it in his apartment, not out on the street. Howard said he called Ralph one night and he gave him phone sex. He said that he was talking about being in his towel and being all wet from his shower. Howard kicked Ralph out of the studio after that. Robin said that was a good way to start off the morning.

Howard Takes Some Phone Calls. 07/23/1996. 6:20am

Howard took a call from a guy who told him not to go anywhere for the next 3 months because he knows some stuff that's going to go down. He said that the guy who bombed the World Trade Center has something going on. He said the blind guy has some friends out there who don't appreciate the way that guy was taken down. The caller said that when he was a Panther back in 1968 he learned things.

The caller said that he was in Viet Nam too and talked about that. He said that this thing isn't over with yet. Howard said this guy isn't off base either, there's some stuff in the news about this today. Gary came in with an article about it and showed it to Howard. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard said that they really have to blow those countries off the map over there. The caller said that they really do have to take Iran out before they can take us out.

Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that OJ Simpson was at a party the other night and ended up getting into an altercation. Howard wondered how OJ has time for a party while he has no time to do anything himself. He said he'd like to be out at a party. The caller told Howard about what happened with OJ and the girl that he got into the altercation with. He said that it was woman who looked like a model. The guy claimed that he was there at the party and saw what went on.

The caller claimed to be a cop and said that he was doing security over there. He said that OJ came back after the fight and joked about it like it was no big deal. Howard said he liked the story but he's not sure if it's true.

Phone Calls And Fight Discussions. 07/23/1996. 6:35am

After the break Howard came back as Fred was playing some Pantera. Howard said that song makes him want to give his wife the high hard one. He goofed around about that for a second and then moved on to talk about this guy who called in about this OJ speech that was made at a church. He had the guy on the phone and talked to him about what he heard. The caller said that OJ was at some church talking about how God should forgive everyone for anything they've ever done wrong. He threw out the names of people like Charles Manson and people like that. Howard said that if that doesn't show that OJ is guilty, he's not sure what does.

Howard let the caller go and took another one from a guy who also brought up OJ and how he's supposed to be opening a restaurant. Howard said they heard about that. He took another call from the guy who asked Howard to commentate on what happened after the fight at Madison Square Garden last week. Howard said that there was a better fight after the fight. Gary told Howard that Tom Chiusano was there. He heard some stuff about it as well.

Tom came in and said that Gulata was beating the crap out of Bo during the fight. He said there were a lot of low blows and stuff and he was beating him so bad that even with the points deducted for low blows, he was still winning.

Howard said that after the fight the fans got pissed about the way things went and they ended up disqualifying Gulata because of the low blows. Tom said that Rock Newman ran into the ring and over to Gulata's corner and the next thing they knew, the whole Bo posse was over there swinging. One of the guys was smashing Gulata in the back of the head with a walkie talkie or something. The black guys were beating the crap out of the white guys like crazy. Howard said he used to get beaten up in Roosevelt like that when he was a kid. He said the kids would hit him hard and fast.

Howard and Tom talked about the fight for a few minutes. Tom said that they eventually stopped the fight for a couple of minutes and then he wanted to get his ass out of that place. Then the fight started again and then they stopped it. It happened a couple of times. Tom said he saw a woman kicking the crap out of someone a few rows ahead of him. Gary said that he's seen some fights like that before.

Tom said that George Forman was commentating on the fight and he had to turn and look at the crowd to make sure that they weren't thinking about fighting them. Gary told Howard about some of the stuff that was going on too. Tom said that Michael Buffer was there too so they should get him on the phone. Howard said that Buffer is supposed to come in at some point.

Tom said that there were more cops outside the event than there were inside. He said that the cops eventually showed up inside with night sticks and stuff. They got the people out of there eventually. Tom said it was actually safer outside than it was inside because there were so many cops out there.

The caller said he had to get going to work after that. Howard let him go and continued to talk about the fight and how they seem to be trying to keep it quiet in the news. They don't want to rile up the people out there since it was a white and black fight.

Howard wondered if there was going to be a rematch. Tom said there should be but it probably wouldn't be there in New York City. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about that. Gary asked Howard what he would do if something like that happened on this show. Howard said he'd replay it over and over. Gary said that HBO refuses to replay it but they are sending a copy over to them so they can see it.

Steve Grillo came in, out of breath, to talk about something that he had heard about. He told Howard about that and Gary was telling Howard about some of the other stuff he saw at the fight. He saw one guy get knocked down and put on a stretcher. They ended up taking him out on the stretcher but the people were trying to knock that over.

Tom told Howard about the way the fight was going toward the end and how Bo was trying to lay down and stop the low blows toward the end. Howard thanked Tom for his comments on the fight and let him go.

The Making Of The Crackhead Bob Bit. 07/23/1996. 6:55am

Howard said that he and Robin are going to be working on the movie together today. He said that they're doing a scene. Then he made a comment about the song parody where the guy talks about Robin's father and his 'am 'ands and stuff like that. Fred played the song parody after that and got some laughs out of everyone.

Howard replayed the Crackhead Bob commercial that he played at the start of the show. Howard said that might be the funniest thing he's ever heard. He said that they're going to make something up for the E! show based on the song.

Howard asked Fred if he had the ''making of'' clips from that Crackhead Bob thing. They had it ready but Howard ended up talking about making his movie and how they shot stuff for a behind the scenes type of thing for that. He said that someone from Entertainment Tonight came down and interviewed him for that show. He said that she was interviewing him and he was telling her about the love scene that he did with his movie wife. He said that he tried to slip her the tongue during that scene. He said that they don't really kiss too much during rehearsals though.

Robin said that Howard tried to do that during a reading of the script one time and Mary had to tell him they don't do that.

Howard said that this woman from Entertainment Tonight was doing the interview so he asked her if she wanted to do a love scene with him. She agreed to do it so Howard moved in and tried to slip her the tongue. He said that she was married and they ended up putting a big heart over their kiss so no one could see it. He thinks that she did that to keep her husband from seeing the kiss.

Howard played some clips from the making of this Crackhead Bob song. He had some audio of Bob asking what was going on and what they were doing. Fred was explaining to Bob what the bit was about and Bob laughed when he heard the idea.

Fred was being very calm with Bob and trying to make him comfortable with the whole thing. Howard said that was Fred's calm, mental patient voice. Howard said that's the voice you have to use when you talk to Fred so you don't upset him.

In the recording session you can hear Bob singing and starting off just about every word with the letter D. The guys were trying to help Bob out with the song since he apparently can't read. Bob didn't tell them that he can't read and Fred said that he felt weird asking him if he knew how to read. Jackie said that Bob said that it would help if they blew up the letters on the page so he could read them but they realized that he was just saying ''oh yeah'' to everything they asked him.

Howard played some more of the audio where Bob was trying to sing the Van Halen songs and didn't get any of the lyrics right. Jackie said that Bob came close to getting Bob to sing along with himself but they weren't recording at the time. They tried to get him to do it again but they were never able to get him to repeat what he did that one time.

Crackhead Bob kept trying to get the lines down but he was wrong every time and that's why the bit worked. Howard put the word out there for kids not to do crack after hearing this stuff. Bob seemed to think that he was saying the lines even though he was just singing gibberish. Howard joked that David Lee Roth had to be taught the songs the same way.

Howard said that they have a guy on the phone who claimed to be on this Special K cat tranquilizer stuff. He wanted to hear what that sounds like so he got him on the line. The guy said that it was pretty wild stuff. He said that it really just messes you up really bad. He said he had some other guys there with him so he put one of them on the phone. The guy said that he snorted some of that stuff. Howard wanted to hear the other guy because they sounded very similar. He bailed out on the call saying that it wasn't fun to talk to someone who's high when you're not.

Howard said he took a horse tranquilizer one time to see what that was like. Jackie said he tried that one time and it just slowed him down. Howard said he tried it in college. He said that he never thought it through at the time. He said that he had sex with a lot of weird women when he was on that stuff, that's all he knows. He said that you don't even think about how the chicks look when you're on that stuff.

Howard got back to the Crackhead Bob clips and played through more of that stuff. Fred kept having Bob singing the stuff over and over again trying to get him to get the lines down right. Howard said it was kind of a waste of time because he wasn't going to get them right at any point.

At one point Jackie said that he was about to lose it because Bob was having so much trouble with the lines they were reading to him. Jackie almost forgot what he was doing at that point. Howard said he had to take a break after that.

Ben Stern Calls In As The Head Of Westinghouse. 07/23/1996. 7:25am

After the break Howard came back and said he had some more Crackhead Bob tape to play. He also had a new Ponce De LaPhone call to play later on. He mentioned that they have a new boss there now and his name is Michael Jordan, not the basketball player but another guy. He said that he had him on the phone and he was afraid to pick up. He eventually did pick it up and it was actually Howard's father Ben playing the part of Michael Jordan.

Howard and his Dad worked through the script that they had written. Ben, as Jordan, told Howard that he has to test for proper modulation and then told Howard to shut up and sit down to listen to him. He tried reading through the script but he was having some trouble reading some of the stuff they had written for him. Howard let him keep going though.

Mr. Jordan told Howard that they have to try moving the Incest Wednesday thing to Monday since most incest takes place on the weekends. Then Ben said that he had to take a sip of his Rob Roy, another reference to Howard's dad.

Mr. Jordan told Howard about who he needs to work with him and made references to Robin, Jackie and Fred. He also threw out some suggestions for th other people they have on the show like Gary and Stuttering John. Then he asked Howard if he thinks that the United States should remain in the United Nations. They had Ben saying a lot of the stuff he said in the old tapes that Howard had been playing on the show.

Howard and Ben had some fun talking about that stuff and going back and forth with the lines that they'd written for Ben.

Mr. Jordan told Howard that they're going to replace Tom Snyder with either Morton Downey or the remains of Ray Coombs. Howard asked him that if he wants to get rid of him, please don't let Tom fire him. Howard let him go a short time later saying that he reminded him of someone but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Howard said that was exciting having him call in.

More Crackhead Bob Tape. 07/23/1996. 7:35am

Howard replayed the Crackhead Bob commercial one more time. He said that he had to hear it again. He laughed every time he played it. He had some favorite parts in the commercial that he told the guys about. He played some more of the outtakes that he had started to play earlier. He went through a bunch of that stuff where Fred and Jackie were trying to get him to sing the songs the right way. They had him trying to sing ''Just a Gigolo'' but he was still on ''Running With The Devil.''

Howard said that anytime he thinks he doesn't have any talent, he just has to listen to this tape of Bob singing. He took some phone calls after that. One woman said that she loves Howard and said she couldn't believe that he answered the phone. She said that she was in a scene in his movie as an extra. Howard said he remembers her but he really doesn't remember anyone. They have a ton of extras and they all expect him to remember them.

Another caller said that he had been laughing since 6 o'clock this morning with the Crackhead Bob stuff. He said that it reminded him of a scene from ''A Fish Called Wanda'' and it was cracking him up. Howard said that he saw Bob sitting out in the jock lounge just waiting around so he told Jackie and Fred to do some stuff with him. That's what led to that commercial.

Howard said that Crackhead Bob's name is actually George but he can't pronounce it so he ends up saying Bob. He took another call (that would be me) and the guy said this was some of the funniest stuff he'd heard in a long time. Howard said that everyone seems to love the Crackhead Bob stuff.

Morton Downey Jr. Clips. 07/23/1996. 7:45am

Howard said that he bet that Morton Downey Jr. was going to die by now because he had skin cancer. He said that the guy was calling there every week trying to get on the show. Gary said that he kind of felt bad for the guy when he was calling so often. He said that he can take a lot himself but his wife can't take it.

Howard said that Ponce De LaPhone called into this show on the Business Channel where Morton was making an appearance. Ponce called in and asked Morton to die on July 12th for Howard Stern. Morton told the host what was going on there and how Howard was betting on when he was going to die. He wanted Howard to put his money on him because he thinks that he's going to out live him. Howard said that he was right because he's still alive.

Howard pointed out some of the wacky stuff that Downey did in his career where he lied about getting beaten up by skin heads and stuff like that.

Howard played another call where Ponce called in and told Downey about the July 12th thing again. Downey said that Howard must be pretty bored if he has to do material about him. Howard said that he is bored but he has no trouble finding material. He played Ponce's third call where he says ''Dead man says what...'' and Morton says ''Pardon me?'' Howard liked that one.

Howard said that they had a lot of money in this pool for when Morton is going to die. He went through the list and talked about the dates that everyone had. Howard had lost but he could still win if he died today. Howard replayed the three prank calls that Ponce made and got some more laughs out of that. He had to go to break after that.

Howard Reads Jeff Jarvis Column. 07/23/1996. 8:05am

After the break Howard came back with Fred playing some Van Halen. He also played a quick clip of Richard their line producer who keeps in contact with all of the affiliates for them. Howard gave Jackie a plug for a comedy show he was doing at Rascal's Comedy Club. Jackie was doing it for a charity so Howard talked to him about that. The charity is for a woman who has breast cancer. Howard said that's horrible and he hopes that she doesn't lose them.

Jackie mentioned that he's doing the comedy show with Rosie O'Donnell. He said that he's not sure if her head will fit on stage with Jackie at the same time.

Howard went on to read an article that Jeff Jarvis wrote about him. Jarvis was saying that he's finally figured Howard Stern out and went on to explain why he likes his E! show. Jarvis talked about how much fun the show is that they run on E! for an hour every night. Howard said that he was ready to perform fellatio on Jarvis after reading the article.

Jarvis talks about the staff on the show and some of their guests that he's seen on the show. Jarvis actually liked Engelbert Humperdink on the show which surprised Robin. Jarvis was also saying that Howard is just trying to be honest on his show and he likes to see everyone's reaction to that.

Howard thought that was pretty cool because it was in TV guide and he's been reading Jeff's column for years. He also said that he'll probably do something to screw up Jeff's view of him though. He said that he did that with another reporter who once called him the best entertainer out there. The guy was upset after the pay-per-view event that they did and hated him after that. Howard said that the guy came up to him not too long ago and told him he likes him again though.

Howard Back In Chicago And Loving It. 07/23/1996. 8:15am

Howard welcomed the people of Chicago to his show after mentioning that they're on WCKG out there. He said that the station that they used to be on still owes him money and he's going to have to go to court with them over that. Howard went off on those guys from Evergreen Media for a few minutes. He said that they claim that they didn't know he was in trouble with the FCC even though he was already in trouble with them when they signed him on to begin with.

Howard said that he was happy that Infinity Broadcasting put him on out there. He said that Mel Karmazin is the best because if they get taken off a station, he'll go to that market and buy the station and show them how to make money with the show. Howard kept mentioning his name and doing an impression of 'Gina Man as he was doing it.

Howard said that Mel is single too so the ladies out there should be interested. He said he might have to put him on dial-a-date.

Howard said that they keep getting fired and rehired out there in Chicago so they'll probably make their rounds through the whole dial.

Snapple Update. 07/23/1996. 8:20am

Howard brought up the Snapple company and talked about how they used to advertise with them when they were starting out. He said that they helped the company build up to what they became. Then Quaker Oats bought them out and they stopped advertising on the show. He said that was fine with him, he said that his audience wouldn't keep buying it.

Howard said there's an article about the beverage where they say they're giving the stuff away because they can't sell it anymore. He said that they're spending millions giving away free samples of the stuff. Robins said that they had a whole clientele buying the stuff before they pulled advertising from their show.

Howard said that it's time to teach these corporate punks a lesson and he's happy that his audience stopped buying the stuff. He said this is a great way to show support for the show and kick their ass.

Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that if Howard tells him to buy something, he'll buy it. If he tells him not to buy it, he won't. Howard said that's good, within reason of course. He said that if you don't like a certain product you don't have to buy it. He said without the fans he'd probably be out giving away free Snapple or on some talk show claiming that he has skin cancer.

Howard said that he called the guy at Quaker Oats after they pulled advertising and told him about what a mistake it was to pull the ads. He said that he wasn't going to bad mouth the company but he did think that they were being pretty petty. He said they made him look bad and he wasn't going to forget that. He said that the guy kind of laughed at him when he said that his audience was going to back him up.

Howard said he didn't think that he needed them to advertise on the show. He said that they didn't even try to use him to sell the product before they pulled the ads. The caller said that he stopped buying the stuff after Howard said he had a problem with them. He had started drinking it when he saw the ads on Howard's WWOR TV (channel 9) show.

Gary came in and said that it was the Channel 9 Show that got people to notice Snapple because they had the Snapple models on each week. The caller said that it really did make them look bad and that's why he stopped drinking the stuff. The caller gave Howard an F-Jackie as he was going so Howard threw out some F-Snapple and other F-you's.

Howard said he dances to their plummeting stock. Fred played a bomb dropping sound effect as they were talking about that. Howard said that he won't be happy until that stupid Quaker Oats guy has to sell that ridiculous hat he wears.

Various Phone Calls And Discussions. 07/23/1996. 8:30am

Howard said he had a guy on the phone who claimed that his sister died in the flight 800 crash. He wondered if he was telling the truth or not. He got the guy on the phone and talked about the crash and the guy did seem to be telling the truth. He said that his sister was heading over to France to do some stuff over there.

Howard and the guys talked about the crash for a few minutes. Howard said that he was sorry to hear about the guy losing his sister. Howard said that he thinks there should be some retribution for this if it was a terrorist attack. The caller said that he doesn't know what the cause was yet so they shouldn't jump to conclusions yet.

Howard said that it probably was a bomb because the whole bottom of the plane blew out. Some people thought that it was a missile that shot it down.

Howard had a caller on the line who had a joke about the flight 800 crash. He asked ''what was the movie that was playing on the flight?... Forget Paris.'' Howard said that wasn't funny so the guy hung up.

Howard and Robin moved on to talk about the movie Jumanji and how good that actually turned out to be. Howard said that Robin Williams is blessed and it's no wonder he left his wife for his nanny. He went on to say that he wants to get one of those Au Pair chicks for his house so he can get some hot chicks. He said that they're all impressed with you when they come over here as long as you're making over 20 grand a year. He said that they know no one when they come here and they run around your house with their bras off. He said that they watch your kid for about 6 months then they get bored and move on.

Howard said he knows a bunch of guys who have banged their Au Pairs. Gary came in and said that he knew a guy who had one who ended up keying his car after he told her that she couldn't park her new car in his garage. Gary wasn't sure if she was cute, he never met her. He said that he had another friend who wanted to get his Au Pair but he never did as far as he knows. He said that he was working on it though.

Robin said that she had some friends who had one that was always running around in skimpy tops and stuff so they had to let her go. Gary said that they have a club in town where all of the nanny's went every week. He said that some of the neighbors would go there and meet up with them or meet them to hire them.

Howard said that he knew a woman who sent away to Poland to get a nanny and expected to get some older woman. Then the woman showed up and she was gorgeous so the woman fired her right on the spot, before she even came in the house. Howard had to go to break a short time later.

Howard Plays Tommy Lee Song. 07/23/1996. 8:55am

After the break Howard came back and asked what happened to that song that Tommy Lee performed that he thought was going to be a hit. He said he must have been wrong about that one. He was talking about this song that was part of the Barb Wire movie soundtrack.

Howard said that he's decided that he's going to get a tattoo after the movie is done shooting. He said he's going to go through the book and pick something out. Gary brought in the song that Howard was asking about. He played the song and said that it sounded kind of cool to him and he thought that it was going to catch on but it never did.

Howard figures that he was the only one who dug it. He didn't know what Tommy was talking about in the song but it would be a good one to have sex with your bitch to. He kept making the sex with your bitch comment over and over. Howard asked the guys what it must be like to go down on a girl like that. He said that he'd love to know what that's like because he really likes to do that to girls that he knows.

Howard said he had to bleep the S-word in that song even thought there are stations that let that word out when it's in songs.

Crackhead Bob Bit Replay. 07/23/1996. 9:00am

Howard replayed the Crackhead Bob Van Halen commercial one last time before he had Robin get into her news. Everyone was still laughing at the bit. Howard said that he'd buy that album if it was real. He said he'd love to hear Bob sing a whole Van Halen song. He said he thinks that he could have a hit record there if he did that. He said that maybe they should write a musical with Crackhead Bob and Fred the Elephant Boy. He told the guys to put that in the notes so they can work on that.

Howard suggested that they throw Kenneth Keith Kallenbach into that bit with Bob and Fred. That led to him talking about how Ken got arrested for allegedly forcing and throwing a woman into a van and injuring her. He wondered what he's doing. Robin said that they should talk to him about it and find out what he was thinking. Howard said that maybe it's just that tough to get chicks these days and he has to force them into his van. He wondered what's going through his head and Jackie laughed and said ''Nothin!''

Robin's News And Crackhead Bob Calls In. 07/23/1996. 9:05am

Robin started her news and mentioned that they're on that E! channel which led to Howard talking about how it's hard to find because there are like 900 channels to watch on his satellite system. He said that there are just too many channels and he had to go back to cable to cut his selection down. He said it takes forever to go through the guide they have on the system. By the time he's done reading that it's time for bed.

Gary said that he finally got the E! channel when he got satellite TV. He said that they have sports packages that let you get every single major league baseball game and that's nuts. Howard said that he spends a ton of money on that stuff every year. He said that he just signs up for everything so he doesn't have to have some lady describing it all to him. He said that he signed up for everything and it was so overwhelming that he just had to switch back to cable.

Robin said that there was a big shake up over at E! news. She read through that story and Howard said he heard that there were problems over there.

Howard took a call from Crackhead Bob and congratulated him on the new bit. Bob was telling Howard he was happy with it too. Jackie came up with an idea to have Bob sing some songs and they'd have to figure out what it was he was singing. Bob didn't seem to mind and laughed when he heard it. Howard asked him to sing a song for them so they could try to play this game. Bob had some trouble coming up with something though. He was completely blank so Howard threw out a few ideas for him. Bob sang a little bit but he couldn't come up with anything to stump them.

Bob tried singing the Macarena song but it came out nothing like the song. Howard told Bob to come in tomorrow and they'll work with him on that. Bob said that he's a Clapton fan so they wanted him to sing some of ''Tears in Heaven'' but Bob said he had to practice.

Howard asked Bob if he can read. Bob claims that he can but he didn't sound so confident with his answer. Howard put Bob on hold so they could set him up for tomorrow.

Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. She was going to talk about this E! news shake up thing. Howard said he knew about that and wanted to talk to the woman, Kathleen Sullivan, who was let go. He told Gary to set that up for tomorrow.

Gary came in and talked about some of the reasons that she got fired from what he heard. Howard read an article about it as well and they were saying that once she was fired the people who worked with her were singing ''Ding dong the witch is dead...'' They spent a few minutes talking about that story. Howard said they'll find out what the real story is from Kathleen.

Robin read a story about flight 800 and how they're still trying to find out what the reason was for the crash. She had some news about that and some of the other bomb scares that have been going on around the country after that crash.

robin read a story about this guy Joe Kline guy who wrote the book Primary Colors. She said the guy wrote this book about what it was supposed to be like to work in the Clinton White House. it was supposed to be anonymous but he was asked about it and swore that it wasn't him. Now he's admitted that he did write it. Howard said that if you write a book as anonymous you have to lie about it when you're asked if you did. Howard said that he hasn't ruined his career like Robin was asking.

Robin read a story about Robert Downey Jr. who was arrested for the third time in a month. Howard asked what's wrong with that guy. He was supposed to call the show and let them know what he was up to but then he ended up going to rehab. Now he's been arrested again. Howard said he thinks that they should give the guy a break with the heroin addiction, he might need a couple of years to get off that stuff. He said that it is called an addiction and he can't just give it up that quick.

Robin had Howard play some audio clips of the District Attorney talking about Downey's problems and kind of laughing about it as she was telling the press about what had happened. Howard said that the D.A. sounded kind of cute. Howard predicted what Downey's attorney was going to say about the problem and it wasn't too far off.

Robin had some news about Bob Dole and how he thought that his campaign was going well. After playing a clip of him talking about his campaign Fred threw in a clip of Fred the Elephant Boy laughing.

Howard said that he had a black guy on the phone who wanted to talk to him about why he's giving Robert Downey Jr. a break and not giving Rodney King a break. Howard picked up and started arguing with the guy before he even got in one word. He told the guy that there was a huge difference between those two. the guy started to talk about how the cops lied about Rodney because his car can't go as fast as they claimed it did. Howard hung right up on the guy and said he didn't want to get into it.

Robin read through some more stories and had one about sexual harassment in schools. That led to the guys goofing on Jackie about the kind of sexual harassment he might do if he was in school. Robin also talked about Elizabeth Taylor who wasn't looking anything like her old self. Robin said that she's shocked when she sees her these days.

Robin also talked about the most popular names out there and how Emily was number one on the list. Howard said he thinks he may have started that trend when he named his daughter Emily. Howard asked Robin to wrap up her news because they were getting close to that second job time (the movie).

Robin went through a few more stories and mentioned Melrose Place and how they're going to be bringing in some more gay characters on the show. Howard said that the gay characters on that show never do more than hug. He said that they should be boning each other every 10 seconds.

Robin wrapped up her news and Howard said that he has to talk to her about Teri Hatcher visiting him on the set of the movie. He said that she's really cute and she hung around for a couple of hours. He said that she's just a friend but maybe there's more going on there. He said she's a friend but Robin found that hard to believe. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 9:40am (Mastertape Theatre time).

Bonus Crackhead Bob Segment ''Dame Dat Dune'' From July 24, 1996. 07/24/1996. 9:40am

After the July 23 show replay they threw in a bonus segment from the next day when Crackhead Bob came in for a visit. Howard had just come back from break and was playing some air guitar. He told the guys that he got a letter from a girl who wants to come down and spank him on the air. He said he won't do it though and threw the letter out in the garbage. She wanted to come in and ask him questions as she did that.

Howard had Crackhead Bob come into the studio and explained who he was and how he got to be the way he did by overdosing on crack cocaine. Bob had some trouble saying some things. Howard asked him if he had tape of his voice before he was on crack and Bob said he thinks so but then said he doesn't know.

Howard said that Bob got so into crack that he stroked out and kept smoking the stuff. Howard said that Bob did this to himself and made a mess. He's got one dead arm, which is covered in Howard Stern tattoos. He even has the E! logo on the arm.

Bob tried to tell Howard and the guys about meeting Mary Jo Buttafuocco out in the green room but he really didn't have anything to say about it. Howard assumed that she saw the tattoos and had something to say but didn't have a clue about what she actually did say to him since Bob wasn't able to relay that to him.

Howard said that they found out that Bob is very funny when he sings when they did this Van Halen bit with him. Howard replayed the bit and reminded everyone what he was talking about. Bob sang along to the bit each time he sang one of the songs.

Howard said that he really wants to put out an album featuring Bob's songs. He said that they're going to play a game next where they have fans try and guess what song Bob is singing. Howard said they're going to call it ''Dame Dat Dune'' like Name That Tune. He said they have money to give away and the fans will have the chance to win.

Howard said he was going to give Bob a prize too but the stuff they had to give away wasn't anything that Bob could use.

After a fast forward in the segment we heard Howard talking to bob about going to rehab and Howard telling him he's a pussy. Then Howard got a contestant on the phone and had Bob sing one of his songs. It was a pretty easy one to get, it was the Rolling Stones Brown Sugar and it was pretty recognizable. The contestant got it right so they moved on to the next song. Bob sang something that was almost recognizable. Fred said he thought he almost had it but then it faded away. The caller didn't know what it was. Howard went through a few more calls and tried to get a winner. He wasn't having any luck and then found out that the callers on hold couldn't hear him singing.

Howard went off on Tom Chiusano when he found out that the callers couldn't hear what was going on. Tom came in and tried to explain why they couldn't get a new phone system but Howard just went off on him for a few minutes about that and about his constant golfing. He wished him cancer of the tongue from licking his golf balls so he won't have to hear him talk anymore.

Howard had Bob sing another song for the caller he had on the line. Bob sang a song but no one knew what he was singing. Howard was trying to get his CD player to work but ended up beating it up a little bit. He played Rod Stewart's ''Maggie May'' for Bob to sing along with but Bob only knew a small part of it. He was trying to figure out what part of the song Bob was singing for the callers because it really wasn't recognizable.

Howard said he was going to have Bob do one last song before he kicked him out of there. After an edited out break Howard came back and did some sexy talk with Bob. Bob played along and tried talking to Howard in a sexy way. He said a lot of ''oh yeah baby'' since he can't say much of anything else.

Howard told Bob that he had to get done with him and move on with this game. He got one last caller on the line and then had Bob sing another song. Bob screeched something out that didn't even sound like a song. Howard said it sounded like Indians praying for rain. He said that only dogs could hear the other end of that. The caller guessed it was Stairway to Heaven'' but he was wrong. Howard told him he was right because he wanted to end the bit. He told the guy he couldn't give him the prize though.

Howard took another call from a guy who had a problem with his voice. He said he had polyps in his throat and that's why he wasn't able to speak. Howard had Bob sing another song for the guy and it turned out to be Maggie May again. Howard asked him to do a different one so he screeched out the song he'd just done for the other caller. Matty the caller didn't know the right answer. Howard gave him the prize anyway. Gary then played the song on the air and had Bob sing along with it. It turned out to be Eric Clapton's ''Layla.''

Howard thanked Bob for playing the game and wrapped up with him. Gary gave Matty a prize and told him he was going to the Horde Festival to see Lenny Kravitz. Howard wrapped up with Bob and asked him not to wear shorts to the studio again because they were very disturbing looking. Howard had Gary give him some prizes as well.

Mastertape Theatre was over by about 10:15am.

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