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Staff Picks Of 2007 - Gary's Picks. 12/24/07. 6:00am
Gary's Pick: Sal's Lack Of History Knowledge Exposed. 12/24/07. 6:00am
Gary's Pick: It's Just Wrong Mother / Son Edition. 12/24/07. 6:30am
Bonus Pick: Heather Vandeven And Justine Jolie Sybian Ride. 12/24/07. 7:25am
Gary's Pick: Sal Kisses Richard's Taint. 12/24/07. 7:35am
Gary's Pick: Brad Garrett Interview. 12/24/07. 8:15am
Gary's Pick: Sal Vs. Artie Part 1. 12/24/07. 9:05am
Gary's Pick: Sal Vs. Artie Part 2. 12/24/07. 9:45am
Gary's Pick: Sal And Artie Make Up. 12/24/07. 10:50am
Monday, December 24, 2007
* Staff Picks Of 2007 - Gary's Picks. 12/24/07. 6:00am
This week's Howard Stern Show specials are The Staff Picks of 2007 where the main members of the show pick their favorite moments from this year's shows. Today's picks were Gary's picks. Jon Hein was hosting the show. He said that you can vote on your favorite moments at sirius.com
Gary's first pick was the day Buzz Aldrin was on the show and Sal had no idea who he was. That took place on August 16th:
o Sal's Lack Of History Knowledge Exposed. 08/16/07. 9:30am(Original airtime)
Howard said the guys put a recorder on Sal and asked him a bunch of questions about history and stuff and he really comes across as dumb. He said that they had booked Buzz Aldrin to do the show and Sal had no idea who he was. Even the 20 year old interns knew who he was. He went on to play the tape of Jason asking Sal who Buzz Aldrin was. Sal thought that Buzz had something to do with the movie Transformers. He had no idea he was an astronaut.
Sal asked the interns if they knew who this guy was and they did. Jason then asked Sal if he knew when President Kennedy was killed. Sal thought it was 1974. Artie said that a comedian's best friend are references to history and stuff and Sal wouldn't even be good as an audience member because he knows so little.
Howard played more of the questions where Sal confuses JFK and Roosevelt. Sal thought that Roosevelt had Kennedy killed. Artie thought that Sal might be scamming them but Howard said it sounded serious to him. Even Jason said he couldn't believe what Sal was saying. He had to be kidding. Sal was giving out all of this incorrect information.
In another clip Sal was asked who succeeded JFK. Sal didn't even know what that word meant. He thought that succeeded meant ''before'' and not after. Sal came in the studio and said that he's really not that dumb. History was his worst subject. He said he failed history every year and that's why he was so bad at it. He said that Jon Hein had told him that Michael Collins was the second man on the moon and he kind of had an idea that Buzz was actually that guy.
Robin asked Sal what number president Lincoln was. He said he knew that he was number 16 and Washington was first. Howard gave Sal a list of wars and told him to put them in order from the earliest to the latest. Sal put them in this order.
1. World War I
2. World War II
3. Civil War
4. Revolutionary War
6. Viet Nam
The guys couldn't believe that Sal was using the numbers of the war to put them in order. Howard told Sal that he wanted to give him the right order so he'd know but Sal said he didn't care. Howard told Sal that the Civil and Revolutionary wars came way before the World Wars did. Sal said he didn't know that. Howard went through the wars and explained them to Sal who had no clue. He gave him a bunch of history lessons but Sal gave some of his own history. He thought the last two states added to the U.S. were Puerto Rico and Hawaii. Sal said it really doesn't matter if he knows that stuff or not.
Sal said that he thought that July 4th was Pearl Harbor day. He thought that Pearl Harbor was in Japan. Howard had to explain that to him as well. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Sal he was an idiot. Sal asked him to spell idiot so Bob said ''S A L.''
Sal thought that the D in Franklin D. Roosevelt stood for ''Delaware.'' Howard goofed on him about that and said he had to move along after that. Howard told Sal that some people are weak in certain subjects but Sal is weak in all of them. Sal claims that he's good in science so Robin asked him what the technical term is for a white blood cell. Sal had no idea.
Howard and Robin threw out a few more questions and Sal knew some of them and thought that it was impressive that he did. No one else was saying it was impressive. Howard told him to get out of there and then goofed on him about thinking that the Gettysburg Address was given by ''President Gettysburg.''
* Gary's Pick: It's Just Wrong Mother / Son Edition. 12/24/07. 6:30am
Gary's next pick was the It's Just Wrong segment they did with mother's and sons from back on February 27th. Here's what went on that day:
o It's Just Wrong - Mother / Son Edition. 02/27/07. 8:45am
After the break Howard said he was prepping for the It's Just wrong game. He said he does have to take it seriously because it is a game show. He said he has to get ready to host the game. He only had one team coming in to play the game though. He didn't have any names to go by. Howard said that the mother was attractive and he kind of wants to see her naked. He was hoping that she'd lose. She was saying that her son is kind of pimping her out for this game too.
The son, Mike, was telling Howard about the implants that his mother has. She was saying that she's always gotten into trouble for talking about sex. Her son came to her and asked her to play this game and she decided to go with it but she didn't sound very happy about it. Mike said she runs around her house naked all the time. She told him not to come over if that's the way he thinks.
Howard asked the mom if she's going to be okay being naked in front of her son. She said she'll be fine with it. Gary asked Mike why he hasn't lived with his mother through his life. He said that he lived with his father because his mother has always embarrassed him with the sex stuff. He said that his mother taught his friends how to eat pussy.
Gary said that the mother did have a coke issue. She didn't want to talk about that but said it was just a weekend thing. Howard said that the other couple didn't show up for this game so it's just this one team. He told them what was going to happen. He said that they had already asked Joanne the questions and now Mike had to answer the same way. If he doesn't, then Joanne has to take an article of clothing off for each question wrong. They had 3 items that she had to remove and Mike was going to have to remove those articles of clothing himself. That's what makes this ''Just Wrong.''
Howard said the first question was ''Where does your mom like a man to finish, the chest, ass or face?'' Mike guessed that it was going to be her chest. Howard said it was actually the ass. Mike had to remove his mother's dress. Joanne wasn't supposed to touch it. Mike said he was going to use his teeth to do it. Joanne said she didn't give a shit about her son taking her dress off. Mike had his eyes closed when he was doing it. She said she hates him right now. Howard said she had a nice body. He told her she looked good and Artie said that he couldn't wait for her to get naked and do some coke. Gary asked her how old she was. She said she's 48 and everyone thought she looked good for her age. She was still yelling at her son
Howard moved on to the second question which was ''Does your mother spit or swallow?'' Mike got it right when he said she swallows. She said that she actually makes sure she gets every drop. Mike said he knew that because she's told him that through his life.
Howard moved on to the next question which was ''If your mother shot a porno, which would she do? Bukakke, Anal or Golden Shower?'' Joanne said that they never asked her that one. Howard said they did and asked Mike what his answer was. Mike said he was going with Bukakke. He got it wrong, she said it was golden showers. She said they never explained the other stuff to her so she didn't know how to answer. Howard told Mike he had to take off another article of clothing. This time he was taking her bra off. He did that and Howard said she's got some nice boobs.
Howard asked Mike if he's ever done anything like this before. He said he hasn't and joked that it was quite invigorating. Howard moved on to the next question which was ''Does your mother prefer length or girth?'' Howard told Joanne to be quiet during this because she was going to ruin it for her son. Mike went with girth and got it right.
Howard moved on to the next question and asked ''If you had to have sex with an animal, would it be a bear, dog, horse or monkey?'' Joanne couldn't stop talking and said she really likes monkey's too. Mike told her to stop talking and said that the answer was Dog. He got that right. She said she picked the dog because they have longer tongues.
Howard said they asked her about what ethnic group she would pick if she had to have sex with one. Mike said it would probably be black. He would have gotten that wrong. He had already won though so he didn't have to worry about that question. After that Howard had the people from HotMovies.com come in with the $5,000 check for the winners. There was a guy by the name of James who had Arial Somers and Stoya in with him. James presented the check to them and told them that it really was just wrong. Howard gave them some plugs and James said they have a free 15 minute offer over there and you just have to enter the promo code ''Howard Stern'' to get the 15 minutes free.
Howard asked one of the girls if she wanted to kiss the mom. She went right over and kissed her and Joanne tongued her. Howard asked Joanne if she wanted to go ride the Sybian. She said she didn't want to do that but only because she's married.
Howard moved on to take some phone calls and threw in a couple more plugs for HotMovies.com. One guy said that he was physically ill listening to this. One guy asked how Joanne could think that her son wouldn't be embarrassed by her talking about sex and stuff. Howard talked to the porn girls who were there as well. He threw in a few more phone calls and one guy said that he'd give Mike more money if he cut his mom's tongue out. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked why she won't get on the Sybian. She was upset about the comments the other guy had just made about her and she didn't want to do it.
Howard tried talking to Joanne but she seemed to be rambling a bit. Howard told her to just sit on the Sybian and he'd give her a plug for her book. She said she wasn't that desperate. Dominic Barbara called in and joked that this is the segment that they're going to play when Mel Karmazin testifies later this week.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Joanne that she's really annoying. She asked how she was annoying but Jeff didn't get a chance to answer. A woman called in and told her that she was annoying as well. Howard asked Stoya to get on the Sybian but she was on the rag so she didn't want to do it either.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Joanne she was proud of her. She told her to ride that Sybian but Joanne was still refusing to do it. Howard asked Mike if it was tough growing up with his mom. He said that a lot of his friends actually liked her a lot. She said there were some friends who really liked her and one of them was a kid by the name of Justin. Howard asked Mike if she talks all the time like that. He said she really does talk all the time.
Howard let one more woman get in a call. She told Howard that she decided not to have kids because she thought she'd be a bad parent but now realizes that maybe she wouldn't have been such a bad mom. Joanne went off on her for a short time and yelled at her about the comments. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked James for coming in with the girls and gave him another plug for HotMovies.com. Howard talked to the porn star girls a little more and then went to break
* Bonus Pick: Heather Vandeven And Justine Jolie Sybian Ride. 12/24/07. 7:25am
After the break we had a bonus pick thanks to Jon Hein. This was a Sybian ride that Penthouse pets Heather Vandeven and Justine Jolie did together. They edited out their interview and just played their Sybian ride from April 12th:
o Penthouse Pets Heather Vandeven And Justine Jolie Visit. 04/12/07. 8:15am
(Edited) Howard had the girls get on the Sybian. Artie told them that they blew Playboy chicks away as they were getting on the machine. Will came in and asked if they could spray them down with oil. Howard told him to get out of there and leave them alone. The girls figured out how to sit on the thing together and got ready to go. Gary started up the machine after the girls were already touching each other and making out. Justine said that Heather's nipples were very hard already. Gary turned up the speed of the Sybian and the girls started moaning, making out and talking.
One of the girls was rubbing the other's clit a little bit. Howard said they had a porno going in there. One of the girls was biting the other's nipple and begging her to do it more. Then one of the girls finished so Howard told Gary to turn it down. Howard asked Justine what was going on because she could barely walk. She had shaky legs. Both of them said that they came while on that thing. Justine said she thinks she finished before Heather did. Howard thanked them for that performance and gave them some more plugs for their stuff. He went to break after that.
* Gary's Pick: Sal Kisses Richard's Taint. 12/24/07. 7:35am
Gary's next pick was the day that Sal kissed Richard's taint. Here's what happened that day:
o Sal And Richard Get Gay To Find Out Artie's Weight. 07/26/07. 7:10am
Howard asked Richard how he did shooting Rescue Me. Richard said the director told him that he played a great creepy guy. He didn't even have to drink anything to play the part. Artie said that Ronnie showed up to the set and was offered the chance to appear in a scene in the show but Ronnie couldn't wait around.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there and he was really getting under his skin. Richard said that he and Artie took a nap and Steve stuck around with his microphone waiting for them to come out. Artie said that Steve was reporting everything, even the food he was eating there on the set.
Artie said that he wanted to go out and find a nice cold store to hang out at and they found this ice cream store. They went in there but there were tons of kids coming in and screaming. Artie ended up having a fluffernutter to eat. Richard said Steve didn't know what that was so he had to ask Artie what was in it. Artie figures that he had about 5,000 calories worth of food yesterday.
A caller asked Artie about his show down in Atlantic City and if he actually went back stage and puked like he said. Artie said that he didn't puke but he did dry heave. He was about to explain it but Richard cut him off and talked about this sandwich they saw at the restaurant which was a donut cut in half with a beef patty in between. Artie said it was a fun ice cream parlor so they had all kinds of stuff like that.
Artie said that he had 3 cokes with his fluffernutter sandwich. Howard and Robin sounded shocked by that. Artie went on to talk about how he had gone home around 11 last night and had some more food since he hadn't eaten in a few hours.
Richard said that Artie went back and napped after he ate all of that crap at the ice cream parlor. Artie went on to say that Richard was supposed to be in the casting area but he let him come back to his trailer to sleep. Richard slept on the filthy carpet while Artie napped on the couch.
Robin asked Artie if his character has grown since his last appearance on the show. Artie said that he's just playing the asshole cousin of this guy on the show. Howard jokingly said he heard that they had to build the set bigger for him. Howard asked him what he thinks he weighs now. Artie said he has no idea and he knows he has to get himself together. He said he figures he's more than 303 pounds at this point.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the guy on the phone was over 300 pounds and he just gave Artie advice on his eating. The caller asked Howard to get Artie on the scale but Artie won't do that these days. Howard said he's really curious now. Artie won't do it because it really bothers him.
Sal said that if Artie gets on the scale, he will let Richard lick his taint. Richard said that he's not going to do it, he said that Sal can lick his taint instead. Sal told Richard that he has to do it because he came up with the idea. Richard wasn't going to do it. They came up with some other ideas like Richard sticking his finger up Sal's ass but Sal wasn't going to do that.
Artie told the guys to come up with something gay and he'd think about it. The guys couldn't get on the ''same gay page'' according to Artie. He threw out a few more ideas for them to do to get him on the scale. They wanted Sal and Richard to wrestle naked but Sal seemed to be against the idea. Richard said that it's Howard and Artie who are pushing this gay stuff on them so the fans shouldn't write in and complain about them, they should complain about Howard and Artie.
Sal eventually agreed to kiss Richard's taint. Artie said that he wants to see a real smooch there before he'll actually get on that scale. Sal asked ''What the fuck was I thinking?'' as he was getting ready to do it. Artie said it had better not be a lame kiss.
Sal said he wasn't sure he could do this and told Gary to get a bucket. Richard got on the couch, completely naked and Sal started to dry heave. He hadn't even started yet and he was puking already. He was dry heaving and vomiting into the bucket.
Sal eventually went in and kissed Richard's taint but Artie said it wasn't long enough. Sal was still puking. Artie asked to see a replay from the Howard TV guys. Richard let him know that it did kind of smell down there because he hasn't showered for a couple of days and he took a shit this morning. Sal said Richard looked like a happy retard sitting there on the couch. The Howard TV guys replayed the clip and Artie said it was good enough for him to get on the scale.
Artie asked how many shits Richard had taken since he last showered. Richard said it was probably 3 times. Artie was grossed out by the whole thing. Will said he was about to puke too because the smell was so bad.
Artie thought it was funny that Sal came in there and wanted Richard to kiss his taint but ended up doing that to Richard. Howard asked Artie to get on the scale and it came out to an even 300 pounds. He had actually lost weight since the last time. Richard said Sal did that all for nothing and laughed.
Artie said that he knew that he wasn't going to be all that heavy but he wanted to see Sal do that whole thing. Sal said that he probably lost it doing heroin but said he was just joking. The guys talked about how gross Richard's ass was for a short time before Lisa G came in.
* Gary's Pick: Brad Garrett Interview. 12/24/07. 8:15am
Gary's next pick was the Brad Garrett interview from January 29th. We heard Gary talking up the interview and why he had booked him for the show that day. Here's what happened:
o Actor Brad Garrett Visits. 01/29/07. 7:45am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in Brad Garrett who used to be on ''Everybody Loves Raymond.'' He's now got a new show called ''Til Death.'' Robin said he was thinner than he thought he was. Howard said the guy is even taller than he is. Howard wondered why he's even there and cares enough to get up so early. He figured it was because he had gone through a divorce. Brad said that he didn't have a pre-nup and also said ''she can have it all...'' He claims that they're still very close and almost borderline dating at this point.
Howard said that he and his wife were pretty cordial, as cordial as they can be. Brad said that all happened before Howard got his $500 million too. He said he'd trade his half a point for Raymond if he could have just one Howard point.
Howard asked Brad why he doesn't date Robin because he was talking about dating a black woman. Brad said he doesn't have the right stuff for that but Robin told him he does... he's got that half a point of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.''
Brad said that his wife left him for a taller man and then said it was actually for a woman but he was just joking about all of that. He said he married a girl that he was very much in love with and things changed. He said they have two great kids and they still get along. He said it's tough for him to date because Howard isn't the only Jew with a small penis. He said that he's a chromosome away from being Miss Black Howard Stern too.
Howard said that an actor with as much fame as he has would be attractive to a lot of women. Brad said he's got an ''innie'' though so it's not that easy. Howard said he read that Brad was afraid to tell his parents about his divorce but Brad said that's the press making a big thing out of nothing. Brad said they kept the divorce private so when it did come out, they made it into something bigger than it was. He said he kept it from his family but he was just saying that when he was questioned about the divorce.
Howard and Brad both said that the day they got divorced was the worst. Howard said that Brad has to be getting laid. Brad asked Howard to help him but when Howard asked him to swear that he wasn't getting laid, he couldn't do it.
Artie asked Howard if the worst day was getting divorced or telling his parents that he was dating someone new. Howard said it was the divorce thing that was the worst. He said that when he thinks about it, it makes him want to cry. Artie loved that and wanted him to cry. Brad didn't know who was talking when Artie was asking questions so he asked Howard who that was. He even goofed on Artie's voice a little bit.
Howard talked to Brad about what a great actor Peter Boyle was and how he had worked with him on Raymond. Howard read that Brad didn't think that Artie's story about Peter Boyle smoking pot was true. Artie told the story a while back and said that he smoked weed with him on the set of the show years ago when he was working on The Norm Show. Artie got into that story and said it was back in 1999 and they spoke to Peter at the commissary and Peter asked them if they wanted to get high. Brad said he must not have been a friend of his because he never asked him to get high.
Brad said he never smoked weed with Peter. He said he thought he was known for his sobriety over the past few years. Brad wasn't sure about that story and said he hung out with him a lot. Artie told Brad that the pot he had was amazing but he only took one puff of it. Howard said that maybe Peter smoked with Artie and realized he'd hit the bottom and stopped after that.
Howard said that it must have been exciting to go to Peter Boyle's funeral. Brad said that they were buddies and he really had to go. Everyone from the show showed up that day. Howard asked him about going to a celebrity funeral and if he prepares to be on TV. Howard asked him if he decides what he's going to wear. Brad said he's not all about the clothes, he doesn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that he went to the funeral for Ed Bradley and got to see a lot of celebrities there. He told Brad that if he were him, he would have put the name of his new TV show all over himself to get some coverage. Howard quickly changed subjects and asked Brad about working on Everybody Loves Raymond and how he got that deal where he got the half a point. Brad said that after 6 years of working there, it was time to renegotiate so he asked for as much as he could get. It ended up working out good and they must have felt he deserved it.
Howard asked Brad about how that half a point works. They talked about the syndication but Brad asked Howard about his half a billion that he got for doing this satellite gig. Howard didn't get into details about that. They joked around about what they have going on there and Brad mentioned the tiny security guard he's got working there. That would be Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard read that Brad was actually a Star Search winner and he wasn't aware of that. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie knew that Brad did a great Jackie Gleason impression. Brad said that Ray Romano called him and told him that when he did that impression it was like ''Jackie: The NBA years.'' Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Brad if he's ever had sex with any famous women. He said he doesn't go to parties or anything and didn't have any famous names. Howard was surprised by that and Robin didn't think he was being honest. Brad said he's not lying. Howard read that he opened for Liza Minelli and Frank Sinatra at different times in his career. Brad talked about how Frank would sing his songs and get them mixed up later in his life. He would also call him ''Greg Barrett'' when he'd introduce him. Howard read that he was fired from that gig. Brad said he wasn't really fired, he was moved to open for Liza while he thought about what he had done.
Brad said he would open up for Frank doing his comedy act. Frank Sinatra would come walking out whenever he felt like it so he had no idea how long he actually had to stay out there. He said that one day he jokingly said that they were a great audience and to ''...stick around for Frank.'' He got called into the office and was asked about the comment he had made. Brad said they asked him why he would say such a thing when they were actually there to see Frank. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the story. Brad said he was in this meeting for about 20-25 minutes while they discussed his joke that wasn't taken as a joke.
Brad said he was sent to Reno the next night. They told him to think about what he had done. Brad said he thought about it alright. Howard said that people take things the wrong way and you can end up being killed. Frank Sinatra isn't the guy to mess with.
Howard brought up this new show Brad is on called ''Til Death.'' He's all done with ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' but Howard asked him if he still hangs out with Ray. Brad said that he's a regular guy and that's what he loves about Ray. He's the same guy he was when they started out doing the show. Howard said he does seem like a down to earth type of guy.
Howard asked Brad why he wants to put himself through the pressure of having a TV show. Brad said he wants to work, that's why he does it. Howard said he could get away with not working with the kind of money he has coming in from Raymond though. Howard also asked him about how he worked his way up in the comedy world and went over that quickly. Howard then gave Brad a plug for ''Til Death'' and said that Artie has a deal with FOX himself. Artie asked Brad if they need a fat guy on his show. Brad said that's the only thing they need at this point.
Brad told Howard about the show and what that's all about. He said the show is starting to click and they're having a good time doing it. He said that FOX lets them do what they want and they'll be moving to a time slot after American Idol starting in March.
Robin asked Brad if he got along with Patricia Heaton. Brad said he did so Robin mentioned that she's very religious so it must have been tough. Artie said he met her once but she didn't offer him weed like Peter Boyle did. Brad said they're getting beat by Telemundo at this point but he's hoping that they can get their ratings up. Howard figures they'll have more luck when they move to their new time slot. Howard told him to do his show in Spanish, maybe that would work.
Howard asked Brad if he has to share half of his future earnings with his ex-wife. Brad said she's the type of woman who doesn't want the money but he forces it on her. He said she is the mother of his kids and she is going to take that money and he doesn't seem to mind. Brad said they were married for 7 years. Robin said that Howard was married for like 20 years so maybe she deserved that 50 percent more than Brad's wife does.
Howard wished Brad luck with his show and told the fans to tune in and check out ''Till Death.'' Robin asked Brad why he never did the show when he was on Raymond. Brad said he was never asked and also said that he'd have to get past Ron out there. Howard was about to go to break when he realized he'd forgotten to take phone calls.
Howard took one call from a guy who asked Brad why he was talking down to Artie like that. He also said that his show is awful so that's why no one is watching it. The guy also said that Brad may be related to Big Foot. That led to Brad talking about how he's always been that huge size and that his mother used to tell the family that if they got separated, they should all ''meet at Brad.'' That led to Howard and Brad talking about their small penises and how they won't go to urinals. They have to hide in a stall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his show is probably going to be great if he's anything like he was on Raymond. He also said some nice words about Peter Boyle who played Brad's father on Raymond. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
* Gary's Pick: Sal Vs. Artie Part 1. 12/24/07. 9:05am
Up next was Gary's pick of the beginning of the Sal and Artie fight that happened around Halloween of this year. Here's what we heard:
o Howard 100 News And Sal Fights With Artie. 10/31/07. 9:55am
Steve Langford came in with a Howard 100 news preview. He said that they have some stories from Benjy's sister about the movie preview they were at the other day. She's also on the whole birthday thing with Benjy and not saying how old he really is.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie being a featured comedian on Myspace yesterday. They'll have more on that today.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie and High Pitch Mike's recent battles. Some fans think that Mike has balls for coming in and going up against Artie. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he thinks that he needs to get some mangos and pineapples in his diet.
Artie said that he didn't have any cupcakes today, not one. Today is cupcake Wednesday so it must have been tough for him to pass them up. Howard played the High Pitch Mike song parody about him where he tells him to climb up on a roof and follow his dad and then tells him to ''fuck off fat ass.'' Howard heard that Sal and Richard had something to do with that song too. Artie said it seems that those guys really don't like him.
Howard said that Richard and Sal think that he doesn't like them. He said that he did hire them to work there though. He said they were complaining about Artie taking a nap on the show even after he told him it was okay to do that. Howard said Artie has been with the show longer than them and he's got different privileges than they do. Robin said that Sal was asking why Artie can go up to guests and ask for their phone numbers when he can't do the same thing.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern may have fallen asleep during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played a clip where she was kind of zoning out and not saying anything for a few seconds. Howard also played a clip where Sal was talking about why he doesn't come on the Wrap Up Show that much these days. He said he thinks that Gary disagrees with him on everything he says so he avoids it. Richard got in on that as well and said that Gary always sides with Artie in arguments and stuff. Sal was also saying that if Howard said something, Gary would agree with him too.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal is really talking about himself there because he's actually the one who would side with him on anything he went with. Sal came in so Howard told him that he think that he'd follow him to any religion he went to if he told him to. Sal said he hasn't taken up chess so that's not true.
Sal said that Gary always agrees with Howard but Howard told him that they argue about stuff all the time so that's not true. Sal is the one who said he'd blow Howard if he asked him to. Sal said that's bullshit and he wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Sal who got into the food fight at the pizza place they had Artie's party at. He pointed out all of the stuff that Sal does wrong and that's why he won't have him over at his house. Sal said he doesn't get why he has to bring up all of that stuff about him to make him look bad. Artie said that's because he always does stupid shit.
Artie said that Sal and Richard are good at what they do but they won a contest to get on the show. Sal said that he and Richard are always being honest and not trying to agree with people all the time like other people do. Howard said that Sal is the only one who he won't hang out with at home. Gary said that Sal has been reprimanded more there than he's ever reprimanded anyone else.
Artie went off on Sal and Richard for what they have going on at the comedy shows. Sal was yelling at Artie saying that he's always defending him when he hears shit about him. Sal said that Artie sucked on MAD TV and on the Norm Show and no one knew him before he was on Howard's show. He sounded really angry while he was going off on him but Artie was just laughing. Sal said that Artie carries himself like he's some legend of comedy when he's really not. Sal told him to go down to Philly and rip off the fans on New Year's Eve with the same act he did last year. The two of them were screaming at each other about this stuff.
Artie told Sal that he'll beat his ass after the show if he wants. He also told Sal that he hopes his kids die of AIDS as he was walking out of the studio. He said that he doesn't want that to happen until after they're like 25 years old.
Howard asked if that was for real. Artie said that was the real Sal right there. He's heard that venom come out of him before. Richard said that he doesn't hate Artie. Artie said that he's never had that problem with Benjy and asked him about that. Benjy then pretended he was Sal and yelled at him for a few seconds.
Richard was saying that Artie always goofs on him about stuff he says and it's kind of upsetting to him. That led to him complaining about Robin goofing on him too and saying that no one would care if he died.
A phone caller said that Sal has no right disparaging Artie the way he just did. The guy said that he'd do that job that Sal is doing for free. He said that Sal and Richard want to be Artie and that's why they get so upset about this stuff.
Robin said that all they hear are the negative things even when they say positive things about them. They focus on the negative when they're not always being bashed. Richard said that he agrees with Sal on some of that stuff but he doesn't agree with him about all of the things he was saying about everything he's been in sucking. He said he liked Artie in ''Elf.'' That made everyone laugh and Artie told him that everything he says sounds stupid.
Artie said that Richard and Sal are a couple of pussies for crying over them turning down bits and stuff. Meanwhile that's what happens to every comedy writer. They can't play all of their stuff on the show. Richard said there was a bit that they wanted Howard to play last week when Gilbert Gottfried was in and Gary wouldn't let him play it. Gary said he didn't want to try and cram it in there. He eventually wore him down and told him to go ahead and put up a note about the bit. Gary said that Richard won't take no as an answer so he has to just let him do stuff like that.
Richard still wasn't accepting the answer about why Gary didn't want him playing that clip on the show. Richard kept saying that all he wanted to do was give Howard the option to play the clip. They went over it a few times and Richard was still saying that he just wanted Howard to have that option. Gary did give him the option to let Howard know it was available but he just kept going with it.
Richard said that they had another bit that Howard didn't play for weeks and he kept asking Gary to play it for him. Gary said he did play that for Howard and Howard needed time to think about it for a while. He eventually played it on the air and they loved the call.
Artie said that Sal really has a lot of hostility toward him and it shows that he's obsessed with him and Howard 24/7. Sal was in Gary's office holding up a sign that said ''Die.'' Then he added a ''Please'' to that. Artie told him that was brilliant. He asked Sal if he's ever gone in for an audition for anything. He answered his own question and said he hasn't. He said that Sal has bailed out on his comedy act in the middle of it after claiming he could do 15 minutes.
Sal came back in and went off on Artie again. Artie told Sal that he was going to beat his ass out on the street today. He said that he only pays him to do the comedy shows because he's a charity case. Sal said that at least he has a relationship with his kids and he doesn't think that Artie would ever do that with his kids because he's a lying heroin addict. He left the studio yelling.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's definitely getting his money's worth out of this today. He said that Artie is able to keep the show moving and doing a great job there and that can't be said about everyone. Robin thinks that Sal believes that he could be Artie and that Howard doesn't think that he could.
Al was saying that he thinks that maybe Sal is dragging Richard down with him in this whole thing. Richard said that's not true and Sal is a brilliant mind when it comes to putting together bits. Howard said he thinks that the team he has now is the best team he's ever had on the show before.
Sal came back in and said that he's not jealous of Artie. He said that he's said that he's the funniest guy on the show and he's consistently funny on the show. He complained that Artie says that they have the mentality of 5th graders every time they come in there though. That's the stuff that upsets them.
Artie said that some of the stuff Sal and Richard do is really funny but he doesn't like other stuff. They do a lot of gay stuff and he's not into that. Howard said that the only one who defines what they are is him. Howard said that Sal is having problems with his wife and he's taking it out on them there. Sal said Artie is always taking jabs at him and he's not sure what else to do.
Howard asked Sal if he was just crying because someone claimed that they caught him doing that out there. Benjy said that Ronnie was signaling to him that it looked like he was crying so that's why he wrote that. Artie told Sal and Richard to take what they dish out or get the fuck out of there. Sal and Artie calmed down a bit and Sal was kissing his ass a little bit saying that he really is one of the funniest guys on the show.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans yell at Sal. One guy told Sal to take a break and go smoke a joint or something to calm down. A woman said that Artie might need a cupcake to calm him down. Artie said that it's like poking a bear today. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest today and they need to do this like once a month. Another guy told Artie to go fuck Sal's wife. Artie said he didn't want to punish her.
Richard was saying that Robin is the one who has been really mean to him. She once threw out a script he'd given her to read. He complained about that for a short time as Robin giggled at him. Howard wanted to get out of this but the guys were bringing up more and more stories.
Gary said that Howard once got mad at Craig Gass when he fell asleep in the Jackie Chair back when he was trying out for the job. Howard got pissed at him back then. Howard didn't get pissed at Artie when he fell asleep because he's been on the show for 6 years and he told him to sleep.
Jon Hein gave a really quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up Show today. Most of what they'll be talking about is what just happened.
* Gary's Pick: Sal Vs. Artie Part 2. 12/24/07. 9:45am
The Artie and Sal fight continued after that first day. Gary's pick for the next segment was the continuation of that fight:
o Sal And Richard Explain Their Problems With Artie, Artie Snaps. 11/01/07. 10:45am
Howard took a break during the news and when he came back he asked Artie what was going on with him and the boys in the back. Sal and Richard then showed up in the studio. Sal said they're doing this to avoid that awful Wrap Up Show. They said that Robin had a nice talk with them and she will be their moderator if Howard agrees. Howard didn't know why he'd agree to that. Robin said she just wants them to be able to get out what they want to say.
Sal then started in saying that he and Richard are very passionate about what they do. They don't mind the jokes where they're ball breaking on the show. Sal said that what hurts is when Artie takes a jab at the work they do on the show. Sal said that they're just up and coming guys and they just want to be part of the family. Sal said that's where they feel they're being ribbed and jabbed at. Richard said they're not mad at Artie either.
Howard had a transcript of what Sal said about Artie. He read about him talking about ''those stupid fucking shows'' that Artie used to be on and then went off on him about ''Beer League'' and some of the other stuff that he's done. Sal had to ask Robin to get in on this. She said that what happened yesterday didn't let them truly express what they were feeling.
Sal said that they just want to sit in the back and do what they can but Artie kept going with them and Artie said something about them just being wack packers. He said that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Then he came in and went off on Artie where he knew he could hurt him. Sal was talking in circles and Artie said he was being phony and it was all bullshit. He said that Sal has said all of that stuff before he ever said that they were just wack packers.
Robin didn't understand how the guys could bash Artie the way they did after he has tried to help them out with their careers. Sal said that they get the feeling that Artie really doesn't like them. Howard said he may have to separate Sal and Richard so they don't fill each other's heads with this stuff.
Artie said that they're ruining the show now because they're forcing him to censor himself. Sal said they're not asking him to do that. Sal was also saying that he doesn't bad mouth Gary now that he's working there and he always says that Gary is a great producer. Gary broke in and said that's not true, he's called him a horrible producer a bunch of times. Sal said he just does that to get under his skin.
Richard said that they're okay with Artie saying that their bits are crap if he wants to and they'll just have to deal with it. Artie told Sal to just fuck off then if that's the way they feel. Howard said that Sal calls Gary a shitty producer and talks about Artie's father falling off a roof, but then he gets upset when Artie goofs on him.
Sal was still saying that they don't appreciate Artie taking jabs at their work, but it's probably just their paranoia and insecurity. Howard said that Sal is still goofing on Gary about his work there so he should suck it up. Sal said he just does that as a goof though. He thinks that Artie is being sincere when he says that they suck.
Richard said that they're really not back in the office stewing about this stuff. They might get mad at Artie once every two weeks or so. He told Artie not to censor himself because they can take it. Artie said that he wasn't looking for their permission to rag on them and called Richard a dope for thinking that's what he wanted.
All of the guys said that they were going to move on from today. Artie still sounded irritated and told Sal that he really hates his guts and told him he's a phony faggot and a dummy. He told the two of them to stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like either of them. Artie said he's being honest and he doesn't like either of them. He said that he's seen what they are for the serpent, pussy homos that they are and now he doesn't like them.
Sal said that he was going to go watch Beer League this weekend and give him another review. Artie said he doesn't care what he thinks of the movie. He told him that he will never work in this business after this show because he's nothingness and he sucks. He told Sal not to come to him outside because he'll drop him out there. He actually started throwing stuff at Sal after that so Robin told Sal to get out of there. Howard asked Artie what he was doing. He missed it so he asked him what was going on. He told Artie that wasn't cool to throw stuff. Artie said he didn't care and asked Howard to fire him. Howard asked him if that's really what he wants.
Artie said that he's serious and if he sees Sal outside he's really going to drop him. Howard told him he can't do that and wondered what he did that set him off. Artie said that he just can't be around him because he's a phony, so fuck it. He said if Howard wants him to leave, he'll leave. Artie said that they hired a stalker and he can't get away from him. Artie threw a CD at him and something else.
Howard said it's good that he didn't throw something that could hurt him. Artie said that he could have hit him in the eye with it. Artie said that he probably doesn't belong in the business and he never has. Artie said that he really doesn't like Sal and his phony crap and he can't be around him. Howard said he's putting an end to this and these two will get along. He said they'll get along just fine. There will be no more discussion about this. It was fun up until now. It was getting too real. He thanked Robin for making it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard shouldn't be complaining about getting no attention when Artie just gave him a gift yesterday and Howard gave him 45 minutes to talk about squirrels. Howard said he can settle this in 2 seconds and asked Artie if he wants him to do it. Howard asked Artie to promise not to throw anything at him.
Sal came back in and said that he understands Artie's anger. Artie said that he doesn't and this is all about his insane phoniness. Howard said that he doesn't think that it's phoniness. He thinks that it's Sal not knowing how to speak. He said he wants to make things comfortable for these guys there. He told Sal that he can't keep going at it with Artie. He said he knows that they do like each other, at least up until a few days ago. Artie said that he's never liked Sal. He said he's always thought of him as a creep. Now he's stuck working with him.
Howard asked Artie if there's anything about Sal that he likes. Artie said that there's not one thing about him that he does like. He's got a lot of people in his life like that. Howard said he loves them all and asked Artie if he's interested in working there. Artie said he hates working even though this is the greatest job of all time. He said he doesn't like working at all, he just wants to go somewhere and be by himself. He said that it's probably his problem, and probably not even Sal's fault. He said that he's never gotten the proper counseling that he needs. He said he can't walk around in the halls of a big corporation for too long.
Howard said that feelings will change and this is like an open sore and they need to give it the weekend to cool down. He said that they won't bring this up next week, they'll pretend that none of this happened. He apologized to Sal for having something thrown at him. He said that Artie crossed the line throwing stuff at him. Sal said that he didn't get hit though so it's fine.
Howard said they'll give this a rest next week. Sal apologized for upsetting the show and Artie apologized for throwing stuff, but this isn't going to go away. Howard doesn't want anyone coming to work feeling uncomfortable. Howard took some of the blame himself for letting this go a little too far. It wasn't a put on like he thought it might be. This was something real and Artie really hates this guy Sal.
Robin took some blame for it too because she didn't know how Artie really felt. Howard said he's taking this very seriously and he sees that Artie is deeply hurt and that Sal is hurt as well. He said he shouldn't have let it go this far and Robin said she's the one who started it up again. Artie said that if he had done what he wanted to do, he'd be in handcuffs right now.
Artie said that he doesn't trust himself now because he crossed a line that he never thought he'd cross. Sal said that he didn't lunge at him and he didn't hit him so it's a pass this time. He said that Bob Levy threw a bottle of Gatorade at Ronnie one time and nothing happened. Howard said that this is some raw nerve stuff here. Artie asked if he could smoke a cigarette. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Sal apologized and Artie apologized to him as well for throwing stuff at him. Artie said that it's not about Beer League though. Sal just doesn't get that. Howard had Sal leave before they got into it again.
Artie apologized to Howard and Howard apologized to him as well for pushing the whole situation on the air. He didn't think they were that bitter toward each other. He told Artie that if he's going to be upset, please do it on the microphone. Artie mentioned that Cara Buono, his co-star in Beer League, was out in the green room. He just remembered that. She was there to give her friend a tour of the studio.
A caller said that this was the greatest radio ever. He said he likes that someone finally told Sal the way they really feel about him. Howard said he really has to drop this now and be a responsible broadcaster. Artie said that if this show was scripted, they'd win an Emmy. Howard apologized to Artie for making him so crazy today. He told him to go out and get some pussy this weekend. Jessica Hahn was on the phone a short time later saying that she can help him out with that. She also asked Howard not to censor the show. She didn't think that Artie went too far and it's no different than pounding a fist on a wall or something.
Howard said next week they're going to move on. Jessica said it was the greatest show on earth when that happened. Artie said that he just wanted to say one thing seriously, he then threw in a plug for his Avery Fisher Hall comedy show that he's doing later this month... NYcomedyFestival.com for tickets.
Artie said that he's upset with himself. He thought that he was past doing stuff like that in his life but now he's realized that he isn't. Howard said the cigarette was killing him. Artie said it was the only thing keeping him from exploding in his head. He said he needed some kind of badness in his body. He said he's been smoking a ton lately, so much so that the fire department almost came yesterday.
Ralph called in and said that this diet is going to kill Artie. He said that it wasn't Artie's fault and he knows that he got all worked up. Ralph said that Howard should take all of the blame, not just some of it, because he pushes these guys to the edge. Howard said that they talk about everything on the show and he honestly doesn't read every situation properly. He thought that Sal and Artie were having some fun with this yesterday and he didn't know how it was going to play out.
Artie said that there's nothing different between what he did and what AJ Benza did. Howard and Gary said that he didn't connect with him though so it's not the same. Artie said that if this doesn't work out though, he's going to have to leave. He doesn't like Sal and he doesn't think he can work around him.
Sal came back into the studio but everyone got scared that he was going to say something wrong. Sal said that Artie didn't hit him. He said that he wants to make things more comfortable for him there. Artie apologized to him for throwing the stuff. Sal said that he just wants to make sure that he's comfortable there. Ralph told him that this was annoying and he should just drop it. Gary agreed and told Sal to go do his thing and forget about it. Gary asked if they should bring it up on the Wrap Up Show. Howard told him to just drop it completely. No more of this, not on the Wrap Up Show, not on Superfan Roundtable. Howard said that he doesn't even want it on the Bubba show, Scott Ferrall's show, not even on Kidd Chris' show on terrestrial radio. No more discussions about Artie and Sal. Howard said that they've pushed enough buttons and they're done with that. Artie said that people are paying $13 a month to hear that stuff though.
Gary asked Howard what he would do if Artie asked him ''It's either me or Sal'' what would he do. Howard said he can't deal with that. Artie said that he'd leave himself if it came down to that. Howard told Gary to get out of there because he was getting it going again.
Benjy had a suggestion and said that they should fine Artie or something or else he's going to end up quitting. Howard told him he's limited to 3 meals a day then. He also suggested that they have him clean up a city street or something. Artie said he can't wait to go out and say to Cara ''So, you want to see the studio now?''
Howard wrapped up and said that on Monday, no one is going to remember this. It's going to be over, that's it. He tried wrapping things up with the guys but ended up keeping the show going for a few minutes. He said that he likes an argument once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest moment on the show. He said that this is what Jersey guys do. Violence was the right response. That made Artie laugh. The guy said that this is what they're paying 13 bucks a month for and he loves it. The guy said that Howard is the only guy who could hold this mess of a family together for so long. He said that they should put away the sharp objects and just move on.
* Gary's Pick: Sal And Artie Make Up. 12/24/07. 10:50am
After all of the fighting, Artie and Sal put their fight to rest. Gary's next pick was for that segment of the show. Here's what happened:
o Artie's Peace Offering To Sal And Richard. 11/07/07. 6:35am
Howard said that Artie gave him some earth shattering news when he came in this morning. He said he saw him before they went on the air and told him that he has an announcement to make to those two idiots (Sal and Richard). Artie said that he's been thinking about what's been going on with them. He said he wanted to try and patch things up and he wanted to do it on the air.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in so he could say what he wanted to say. Richard showed up first and said that Sal might be taking a shit. Howard said that he'd take a break first then and they'd get to this later. Howard wondered why Sal would come to work and take a shit like that. Richard said he had a newspaper under his arm when he went in there so he was prepared for a long shit. Howard said he heard that Sal does that every day there. He thinks that Sal could do that at home and not bring it to work with him.
Howard said he does try to hide his shits from Beth but yesterday he had to tell her that he had to go so she could clear the room. He said that's the first time that's really happened. He said he wasn't happy about that and he's managed to time it so he can flush as it's coming out of him but there's still a stink. Artie said that he used to play some rock music when he'd do that or jerk off when he was living at home.
Howard figured that Artie was taking multiple dumps every day but Artie said he really only takes one a day. Howard asked where Sal was. He showed up a few seconds later and apologized for taking a dump. Howard told him to do that at home and stop doing it there every day. Sal said he's trained to do it every day at the same time but Howard told him to take it back home.
Howard asked Sal how he wipes and stuff. Sal said that he just uses paper and goes up the asshole with his pinkie. Sal said that he's never had a hemorrhoid before in his life so he must be doing something right.
Howard said that this Artie thing could go right or horribly wrong. He turned the microphone over to Artie and let him do his thing. Sal was having problems with his ass hurting after his shit but Richard didn't think that he had washed his hands. Sal made him smell them before Artie got started.
Artie got to his thing and said that he heard a replay of some of the Wrap Up show and thinks that Jason is really getting beat up over all of this stuff. He said that Jason is just trying to get by and he's just doing things for the show and that's the way the show works. He said that Jason just added to the great radio they did and he wants to get him off the hook.
Artie said that he can see that they can't move on until they get this resolved. He doesn't think it's a funny thing, it's very serious. He said that he's never going to be able to forget some of the stuff that Sal said about him. He said he felt he saw the real guy when he was going off on him about his career and how he'll never have kids because of heroin and the drugs will cause him to have retarded looking kids and stuff like that. He said that Sal goofing on him about his father falling off the roof isn't all that funny either. He said that Sal comparing his phony phone calls to his movie that he worked on for four years is ridiculous. He said that kind of insult to the insult